Sunday, November 27, 2016

Top 5 Oddball Shopping Days: Craigslist Monday – Flea Market Friday

Holiday shopping is in full swing.  If you’re like me, you may miss Black Friday or Cyber Monday. 

Don’t panic!

It’s only a matter of time before other shopping platforms offer discounts.

Here are a few suggestions:

Craigslist Monday

Move over Amazon and eBay, it’s time for the bad boy of the Internet to get a designated shopping day.

Items on Craigslist Monday may be offered at steep discounts, based solely on the discretion and temperament of the seller.

Pick up a refrigerator for $15 or maybe a Lazy-Boy recliner for $7.

Sure it’s risky, and you might be handed fake money, but who cares, it’s the holidays!
  
Door-To-Door Tuesday

A salesperson knocking on the front door may make you lower the TV volume and duck behind the sofa.  But that may change should the porch peddler offer a spectacular, one-day-only price.

I’d gladly sit through a Kirby vacuum cleaner demonstration, if it were 75% off.

Heck, I’d even give the rep a cup of hot coffee and a Little Debbie snack treat.

So let’s make Tuesday the day door-to-door products are offered at deep discounts.  

And when you hear someone on your porch, you’ll think “phenomenal savings” and not “grab the remote.”

Home Party Wednesday

Ever cringed when invited to a friend’s house to buy candles, jewelry, or Tupperware?  You know you’ll be paying big bucks for items you can buy for half the price at T.J. Maxx. 

Well, let’s make Wednesday a day where home parties “go crazy” and drop prices by 80% or more. 

You’ll be able to get a seaweed wrap for $2.00 (originally $25) or a salad spinner for $1.50 (originally $14).

It may be time well spent.  And possibly save a friendship.

“As Seen on TV” Thursday

Growing up, I always wanted to buy a Ronco Pocket Fisherman.  The guy in the TV ad convinced me I would catch a record-breaking Walleye.

With all the retail choices today, products advertised on TV may get lost in the shuffle. 

Well that may change when Thursday is designated “As Seen on TV” Day. 

No logging into the Internet.  No driving to the store.  No ornery salespeople.

Just watch the tube and place an order.

In no time, your Lint Lizard and Turbo Roaster will arrive for the holidays.

Flea Market Friday

Admit it, you’ve been to a flea market and thought about buying someone a holiday gift. 

It’s OK.  There’s nothing wrong buying used wind chimes or an alligator nutcracker.

Why should the malls make all the money?

Flea Market Friday would offer deep discounts on gently used items and garage sale oddities.

I know I’d smile on Christmas morning if I unwrapped an oven mitt that looked like "The Wizard of Oz" scarecrow.

Happy shopping!


Saturday, November 26, 2016

Simpleton’s Guide to Thanksgiving Shopping Calendar


Thanksgiving Weekend Sales in Plain English



Thursday

  • Thanksgiving Sales
  • Black Friday Early Bird Sales

 Black Friday

  • Thanksgiving Sales Extended
  • Black Friday Sales
  • Small Business Saturday Early Bird Sales

 Saturday

  • Small Business Saturday Sales 
  • Black Friday Sales Extended
  • Cyber Monday Early Bird Sales

 Sunday

  • Black Friday Sales Extended
  • Small Business Saturday Sales Extended
  • Early Bird Cyber Monday Sales

 Monday

  • Cyber Monday Sales
  • Black Friday Sales Extended
  • Small Business Saturday Sales Extended

Happy Shopping



Thursday, November 24, 2016

Thanksgiving Survival Guide A-Z

A.  Avoid politics

B.  Butter on everything

C.  Compliment host on hairstyle

D.  Don’t mention burnt rolls

E.  Examine silverware for dried food

F.   Feed dog under table

G.  Get good couch for nap

H.  Help kids write pricy X-mas list

I.   Ignore “Athlete’s Foot” dinner conversation  

J.   Just say “no” to giblet gravy

K.  Keep distance from coughers

L.  Leave before vacation videos

M.  Make eye contact sparingly

N.  Nab a drumstick

O.  Open NFL App to check football scores

P.   Pick marshmallows out of ambrosia salad

Q.  Quietly leave before Secret Santa drawing

R.  Refrain from cigar smoking

S.  Spike eggnog

T.  Take leftovers unapologetically

U.  Uncork wine as needed

V.  Vow to help more next year

W.  Wear loose pants

X.  Xenial relations are good – thank your host

Y.  Yup - be thankful you didn’t have to cook

Z.  Zone out after dessert


Wednesday, November 23, 2016

3 Signs Your Thanksgiving Turkey Is Possessed By The Devil

Preparing Thanksgiving dinner for your family may often be a stressful event.  The last thing you need is a turkey controlled by the devil.
Here are the three warning signs:
Check the Underbelly
The first omen can be detected at the grocery freezer department. 
We all check for price and weight, but turn the bird over and examine the stomach for any odd markings or cryptograms.
Common satanic verbiage may include “Help Me,” “You’ll Be Sorry,” or “Pork, The Other White Meat.”
Any threats or cries for help may be cause to choose another bird.
Drop in Holy Water
Thawing the frozen turkey may also uncover a portent of deviltry.  Use holy water for this process and you may awaken the beast.
Keep your eye out for the following:
  • The turkey jumps from the pot
  • The beak spins around 180 degrees
  • The bird gobbles in tongues

Levitation
Once at the table, levitation is a sure sign Lucifer has taken hold of your turkey.
The bird may rise above the cranberry sauce and float quietly.  Or spin wildly as if to shake off unwanted gravy.
Surprised guests may stab at the bird causing havoc and injury.
At this stage there is little to do to prevent the fowl from completely ruining your holiday feast.
Action
Father Paul Morvina, author of “Turkey Diablo,” recommends the following actions if you believe your holiday meal is possessed by the devil.
  1. Return it to the store.
  2. Eat it with extreme caution
  3. Perform an exorcism, being sure to yell “The power of Butterball compels you! 
Happy Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Trump Protestors Disperse After Getting Free Netflix Vouchers

A crowd of anti-Trump protestors disbanded after receiving a yearlong subscription to Netflix.

The activists had gathered at Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue to voice concern over the president elect’s views on immigration, healthcare, and the environment.

In hopes of freeing up sidewalk traffic, police passed out coupons to the mostly twenty-something demonstrators.

“I understand the frustration with the election,” said Chief Maxell Mopplenut, “but holiday shoppers need to have access to Tiffany’s.”

At the start of the rally,  many millennials blasted Trump on a megaphone. 

“He’s not our president!” chanted Jason Underwake, “Pay your taxes!”

But after receiving the vouchers to the popular streaming platform many had a change of heart.

“I guess he’s not that bad,” said Mary Secour, “I’m heading home to watch “Stranger Things.”

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Trump Names Steven Seagal Secretary of Defense

Donald Trump has named action-movie star Steven Seagal to be Secretary of Defense.   

The announcement came after the two men played a game of paintball at Mar-A-Lago, Trump’s Palm Beach estate.  

“He’s the man for the job,” Trump said while still wearing army fatigues, “this red splatter proves it.”

Sources involved in the decision said the president-elect was impressed with Mr. Seagal’s military experience, martial arts prowess, and the way he kicked ass in all his movies.

“No one is tougher,” said the unnamed contact, “one time he was a cook on a naval ship and battled a gang of international terrorists.  That’s the guy we need in the White House.”

Some critics are worried about Seagal’s close ties with Vladimir Putin, who just granted the actor Russian citizenship. 

“To be honest, I don’t trust anyone from the Soviet Union,” said Senator Chet Farkins, “remember when they parachuted into our heartland in Red Dawn.”



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