Sunday, October 15, 2017

Top Ten Quotes - Curb Your Enthusiasm / 10.15.17

Top 10 Quotes
Curb Your Enthusiasm

1. Mr. Noodles slept on your bosom?
2. What are we in Tulsa Oklahoma in 1870?
3. No one’s above the beep.
4. He turned that MF into a human wallet.
5. You come across as quite a goofball.
6. This is “Fatwa Life of Riley.”
7. Thank you for your warm pocket candy.
8. Did you just “yoo-hoo” a judge?
9. I don’t like to go out of my way to be bored.
10. There’s been a disturbance in the kitchen.

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News October, 08 - October 14, 2017

Jackie Chan is revealed as the new lead singer of Foreigner.
In historic decision, Boy Scouts revealed girls will now be able to Tagalong.
Da Vinci masterpiece was put on auction for 100M – included $25 framing coupon from Michaels.

New site for introverts debuted on web: LinkedOut.

Critics of Donna Karan called her defense of Harvey Weinstein “sheer stupidity.”

Eminem ripped Trump in freestyle rap that, when played backwards, was a commercial for McDonald’s new Buttermilk Crispy Tenders.

Health Update: Ten times more children are obese now than 40 years ago, but goldfish weight has remained relatively steady.

Walmart revealed plans for customers to return online purchases in 30 seconds, which is 20 seconds quicker than it takes to shoplift in-store.
USA failed to qualify for 2018 World Cup with 2-1 loss to Trinidad and Trivago.
Russia purchased ads on MySpace – confirmed Tom voted for Trump.

Arraignments expected in men’s college basketball for a group charged with bribery, fraud, corruption, and not putting the chair back in place after throwing it on the court.
Harvey Weinstein’s wife shelved marriage.  May be picked up by Hulu.
If the world were flat, banks would be open on Columbus Day.

North Korea said U.S. has “lit the wick of war,” as thousands flock to Yankee Candle to arm themselves.
Jersey Mike took a DNA test and discovered he was from Connecticut.
Wall Street brokers set to protest lower commissions today by refusing to stand for the opening bell.
Russians reportedly hacked Mario Brothers leading to a flurry of tornado punches to Bernie Sanders.

Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Who’s Who Among Non-Accredited Online Schools – 2017-2018

Who’s Who Among Non-Accredited Online Schools – 2017-2018
Following are several late entries to update the current volume.
Betty (Buzz) Mitnoksky
Born: September 29, 1992; Sheldon, Iowa    
Parents: Drake and Donna Mitnoksky
Online Degree: Beekeeping
Institution: BestWay University
Voted:  Best Bee Beard, 2014 Hive Expo
Finalist:  Miss Pollen International, 2017  
Candidate  - Beekeepers in Space, 2016 
Best Educational Video: "Salve: Mixing & Applying," Insect Safety Coalition, 2017
Speaker:  "How to Accessorize Veiled Helmet," Entomologist Fashion Workshop
Employment: Cashier, Rite Aid
Future Plans: Syrup Biochemist 

Clark Wellnut

Born: May 1, 1997; Eureka, South Dakota

Parents:  Stanley and Elaine Wellnut

Online Degree:  Rodeo Clown Techniques
Institution:  Billy & Clevis Tech
Runner up:  Most Graceful Entry, Wooden Barrel, Texas Roundup, 2014 
Lecture:  "Cattle Distracting Techniques - 2020 & Beyond," Ranchers Convention
Merit Scholar - Corky's Clown Conservatory, 2016
Published:  "Random Trampling - Safety, Avoidance & Treatment," Cowboy Quarterly
Record Holder - Cross Corral Sprint, 12:09 second, 2015
Employment:  Unemployed 
Future Plans:  Uber Driver

Helm Flounder
Born:  July 8, 1980
Parents:  Albert and Diane Flounder
Online Degree:  Cryogenics
Institution: Coldwell Sci-Fi Institute
President/Founder: Lucky Stiff Club
Co-author - "How to Defrost & Revive Cornish Hens," Dry Ice Monthly, July, 2015
Registered - Suspended Animation Proponent (SAP)
Chaired - Meat Locker Roundtable, 2016 
Scheduled Keynoter Speaker - Brrrrr Symposium, 2018
Published: Thawing Cryogenic Stereotypes: What to Say to Whom, Cold Chronicle

Gloria Tutolinpini
Born:  March 5, 1965; Ispleming, Michigan 
Parents:  Kimba and Taffy Tutolinpini
Online Degree:  Ballroom dancing,
Institution:  L’├ęcole de Pied
Winner:  Local Talent Show, “Coat Rack Dance” (Prize: Case of Maraschino cherries) 
Invented:  "Cutting In" technique, using large machete, 2014
Lecture:  Teaching Preschoolers differences between Tango, Waltz & Potty Dance  
Full Scholarship: Devlin Rudner's Dance School and Tae Kwon Do Academy
Employment:  Casablanca Coin Laundry, Service Counter
Future Plans:  Circle the globe with cut out paper foot patterns

Gordon UpRidge
Born:  June 3, 1963; Rolla, Missouri                  
Parents:  Abe and Melonie UpRidge
Online Degree:  Gemology
Institution: Great Horn College
Licensed Rock Tumbler Operator - polished over 3,568 mixed pebbles
Published: "Internal Hazards of Abrasive Grit," Gravel Digest, May 2016
First Place:  Gem Sculpting Competition - Carved 2-pound topaz into bust of Pitbull
Patent No. 2774965:  Created synthetic wedding band by baking all-day sucker
Certified Appraiser of precious stones, including jade, opal, feldspar and Milk Duds

Employment:  Ruby's Shrimp Shack, Cook/Dishwasher
Future Plans:  "I'm looking into Real Estate" 

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News October, 01 - October 07, 2017

ATM fees rose to record levels, as it now costs $10 to withdrawal $5.
According to North Korea, the U.S. tried to kill Kim Jong Un last May, in the parlor, with a candlestick.
Middle-age Americans in 2017 are less healthy than prior generations, according to a study by the Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream Institute.

MTV’s “Total Request Live” returned with first guest: a hologram of Elvis.
Vladimir Putin turned 65 this week and is now eligible for Medicare.
Delta announced free in-fight text messaging.  Also decreased the amount of legroom by one leg.

Top Story of the Week:  Sour Cream & Onion Potato Chips do not contain sour cream or onion.
Bob Seger canceled remainder of his tour and will be seeing a chiropractor down on Mainstreet.
The Nobel Prize in Hygiene was awarded to Swedish scientist Chet Farkins who discovered a deodorant that lasts 746 light years.

Europe ordered Amazon to pay $300 million in taxes.  Jeff Bezos reached in pocket and handed Europe a $500 million dollar bill.  Then asked for change.
Sarah Jessica Parker moves to Mifflin County Pennsylvania to stay with three Amish friends in new HBO series called “Celibacy in the City.”
According to the USA Today, the scariest place to trick-or-treat this Halloween is the Blair Witch Projects.

Netflix increased prices for U.S. subscribers, blaming “Strange Things.”
Puerto Rico purchased a Sony PlayStation on a MasterCard before getting its debt wiped out.
O.J. Simpson lost ball on golf course, then said he’ll do whatever it takes to find it and bring it back to its sleeve.
Medical Warning: Stop taking Victoza if you start shooting candy corn out of your fingertips.The American Journal of Fast Food revealed that McDonald’s fries have a shelf life of six minutes.
Women accused of killing Kim Jong-Un’s half brother plead “50% Guilty.”

For more humor news and views, follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich