Sunday, August 13, 2017

Humor Rewind by Gary George: A Week Glance At News July 30 - August 5, 2017


North Korea threatened ‘thousands-fold’ revenge against U.S. sanctions.  Defense minister said it has begun building a really big origami bomb.
Tiger Woods was arraigned on a DUI charge, will likely be sentenced to roadside divot repair for the next four weekends.
Woman accused pop star Usher of failing to disclose alleged STD.  Also claimed he wouldn’t reveal whether he wore “boxers or briefs.”
Man charged in Taylor Swift case denied being a grouper, testified he couldn’t even swim.

Foreign minister warned U.S. not to meddle in Russian elections, also warned against fiddling with the thermostat in the Kremlin.
Vice President Mike Pence denied he was running for president in 2020, but added he was soliciting to be the next Colonel Sanders.
Hackers demanded millions in ransom from HBO, who in turn sent out Paulie “Walnuts” to take care of the problem.
This week was the 10-year anniversary of the global financial meltdown.  Pundits knew it was going to happen, with them giving away all those free toasters.

After President Trump gave warning speech to North Korea, Buffalo Wild Wings scraped new ad campaign that touted their “Fire & Fury Chicken Fingers.”
Police warned not to shoot Bigfoot if discovered in the woods.  But added that if you see him getting a Slurpy at 7-11, anything goes.
American Bowling Association updated league policy to include, “No Crying” rule.

Fistfights and screaming matches broke out at rally in Charlottesville, even after MC told the crowd to turn off all cell phones and keep their table talk to a minimum.
100-year-old fruitcake found in “almost edible” condition was given to “Mikey” because he hates everything.  Amazingly, he liked it!
After nuclear threat, Guam saw a drop in tourism not seen since they started playing Kenny G. at all the beach cabanas.


Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight.



Sunday, August 6, 2017

Humor Rewind by Gary George: A Weak Glance At News July 30 - August 5, 2017


U.N. Security Council imposed strong sanctions on North Korea exports, including a ban of their new portable audio cassette player, the Walkman

Costco co-founder, Jeff Brotman, passed away.  A funeral service was held at 10 a.m. Thursday.  Business members got in at 9 a.m.

A China military parade mid-week featured stealth jets, nuclear missiles, attack helicopters, and a large float of Charlie Brown holding a grenade launcher.

Blade-runner Oscar Pistorius was hospitalized, complaining he’d lost the spring in his step.

Rhode island become the 4th state to offer free community college, however a No. 2 pencil in the bookstore cost $8,345.
Several celebrities broke free of Scientology and complained that all they got was a lousy T-Shirt.
President Trump denied calling the White House a dump, clarifying “I said it was a shoddy piece of crap.”
Economist revealed how to decorate your dorm room for under $50: Don’t go to college.

After being arrested for a fatal stabbing, Kidd Creole of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious five called his attorney and left an extended message.
Dubai’s Torch Tower caught fire for the second time, prompting the owner to consider renaming the skyscraper.
Trump and Putin relationship deemed strained, as the two world leaders decided to take separate vacations.
Cable channel Nick at Nite was the latest victim of a cyber breach, as hackers leaked a 1992 rerun of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”
A passenger holding a baby was punched by an airport worker.  In return, he received an upgrade to an exit row and a voucher for a raw steak.
Community colleges in Texas made it legal to carry guns on campus – making it more and more difficult to find out who shot J.R.



Sunday, July 30, 2017

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Weak Glance at News July 23 - July 30, 2017


Following a weeklong technology consortium, experts agreed that Greek yogurt is not practical to be stored on the cloud.
Senior White House Advisor, Jared Kushner confirmed, “I did not have sexual relations with the Russians.”
Luxury fashion designer Michael Kors agreed to buy shoe company Jimmy Choo in 1.2 billion deal.  Management expected to get the boot.
Academy Award winning actor Ben Affleck was signed to play Batman - in Dunkirk ll.

Experts warned that great white sharks are getting braver in California, after one is spotted on shore, playing in a Calypso band.
Trump revealed a ban of transgender people from the military, claiming he is Saving Ryan’s Privates.
In Switzerland, a man was arrested following a chainsaw attack.  Police found him in a clearing in the woods.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign memoir to be titled “What Happened.”  Insights to be given by Raj, Dwayne, and Rerun.
Pop sensation Justin Beiber canceled the remainder of his international tour.  Tickets can be refunded at point if purchase, but your dignity will remain unredeemed.
Soviets retaliate against U.S. sanctions by banning export of Russian dressing.
After Senate rejected a plan to repeal parts of the Affordable Care Act, Republicans introduced an extra-skinny, slimmed down Obamacare replacement with Zero Calories.
Mayberry police release body camera video of Barney Fife, revealing that the officer followed procedure during a jaywalking incident that caused rioting.

Michigan resident, Chet Farkins, reported that someone popped up from the back seat of his car and put a plastic bag over his head.   Further investigation revealed it was only his cat playing a joke.
According to White House staff, President Trump spoke to 5 billion boy scouts at a jamboree.
Police push back against Trump's law-and-order speech, say they will continue to put two mints and a bath robe in the back of squad cars.

Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight.




Sunday, July 23, 2017

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Weak Glance at News July 16 - July 22, 2017


New study showed that zombies no longer pose a threat at the mall, as most of the undead now shop exclusively on Amazon.
Singer R. Kelly adamantly denied he was leading a cult, but backed down on the claim he believed he could fly.
Couple missing 75 years found in glacier – man had map in hand, but believed not to have asked for directions.
O.J. Simpson had release hearing midweek.  Supporters chanted,  “If he regrets he stole, you must parole.”
White House committee revealed new Obamacare Plan C: An Apple A Day
Jane Austen was chosen to be on Britain’s new pound bank note, barely beating out runner-up, Jane’s Addiction.
Study revealed the name “Donald” has lost popularity.  But “Duck” had retained its likeability.
Wild monkeys were found roaming in Florida.  Sheriff said as long as one isn’t riding horseback, carrying a rifle, and named Caesar, he’s not overly concerned.
Ann Coulture went on a Twitter rampage after person in front of her in the “8 Items or Less” line had 14 items.
Top 3 Urgent Care Emojis were announced by Apple:
  1. Knife cutting a bagel
  2. Pink eye
  3. Legs sticking out of wood chipper

Wimbledon fell under suspicion of match-fixing, after replay showed Andy Murray played losing set with an egg whisk.
Salvador Dali’s remains were exhumed in a paternity suit.  Artist was known to have had an open marriage and participate in origami.

After learning Michael Phelps was racing a Great White Shark on the Discovery Channel, Joey Chestnut challenged a Labrador Retriever to a hot dog eating contest on the Food Network.

Before being released, OJ Simpson agreed to play against the guards in a game of football.



Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight.


Sunday, July 16, 2017

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Weak Glance at News July 9 - July 15, 2017



A new study by the Farkins Foundation revealed the least educated country is Florida.

A gigantic iceberg broke off Antarctica midweek, causing millions of Americans to learn how big Delaware is.
Donald Trump Jr. admitted to meeting Russian lawyer My Cousin Vinnitskaya to discuss “two yutes meddling with election results.”

Ex Anheuser Busch CEO was arrested for attempting to fly a helicopter while intoxicated – he said he was trying to head for the mountains.
A small earthquake in Alaska damaged Sarah Palin’s porch, ending a multi-year Russian spy operation.
A potential rainstorm during a Metallic concert prompted the National Weather Service to issue a rust warning.
Amazon Prime Day kicked off July 10th as bargain hunters found great deals, including a closed Radio Shack store for $59.99.

A message spread across Facebook this week warning not to accept a friend request from Jayden K. Smith.  The man was thought to be a hoax, but the following day he won the MLB Home Run Derby.
Police in Terre Haute, Indiana investigated a family after finding an Elf on the Shelf unresponsive at the bottom of their pool.
Kermit voice actor claimed he was fired after 27 years – but said he was glad he no longer had a frog in his throat.

A Canadian teen was charged with assault for hurling pizza from a car window.  Prosecutors can’t decide on what items to charge him with.
After learning blue lobster was on the menu for presidential dinner in Paris, Trump’s food taster took sick day.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Kid Rock both hinted at political run.  Other “Rocks” that may jump into politics include:
  • Chris Rock – Make America Funny Again
  • Pet Rock – America Shale be Great Again
  • Fraggle Rock – Make ‘Merica Muppets Again!
  • Rocky Balboa – Yo’ America!
  • Pop Rock – Turn Your Tongue Green Again
  • Plymouth Rock – America’s Great Landing
  • Rocky & Bullwinkle – Look Out Boris & Natasha!
  • Rock Hudson – McMillian for ‘Merica!



Thursday, July 13, 2017

Top 8 Rocks For President


First, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson may run for president, and now Kid Rock hints at Senate run.  Here’s my top 8 other Rocks that could jump into politics.
Chris Rock – Make America Funny Again
Pet Rock – America Shale be Great Again
Fraggle Rock – Make ‘Merica Muppets Again!
Rocky Balboa – Yo’ America!
Pop Rock – Turn Your Tongue Green Again
Plymouth Rock – America’s Great Landing
Rocky & Bullwinkle – Look Out Boris & Natasha!
Rock Hudson – McMillian for ‘Merica!