Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Humor Rewind 2018 Year in Review


                                   Top Stories January - December, 2018


January:

Campbell Soup announced closing of Toronto plant - workers notified they would be canned.
Mort Walker, creator of ‘Beetle Bailey,’ died at 94 - details of his death remained sketchy.
Trump took credit for Liberating Paris.
After applying too much lip balm during Democratic speech, Joe Kennedy was caught up in his own ChapStickquiddick.
Magician David Copper was accused of pulling rabbit out of his pants.
Oddsmakers at the NF Pro Bowl expected players to give 35%.
When asked about sexual misconduct allegations, casino magnate Steve Wynn said it was no big deal, then shuffled past reporters.  
Murphy Brown returned to network news - Matt Lauer was banned from it.
Rain caused Seine River in Paris to overflow - fashion analysts recommended wearing flood pants.
Top 3 Items Found in Grammy Swag Bag:
  • Lady Gaga Million Raisons Candy Bar
  • Ed Sheeran SPF 45 Sunscreen
  • Childish Gambino Binky

February:
L.L. Bean canceled its lifetime return policy after a Pilgrim tried to return a hat buckle.
Temperatures at the Winter Olympics got so cold ice dancers decided not to shave their legs.
Heather Locklear was arrested for domestic violence and resisting a change in hairstyle since 1995.
Music officials revealed “Grease” was no longer the word.
Norovirus spread through the Olympic Village prompting officials to change ‘Curling’ to ‘Hurling.’
Robert Wagner named person of interest in Natalie Wood’s drowning death after DNA evidence showed he was 30% Norwegian, 10% German, and 60% Guilty.
One Girl Scout sold 300 boxes of cookies outside a California pot shop – the most popular being the TagaBongs.
Jeffrey Tambor was Transfired from Amazon Studios.
Jared Kushner lost his top-secret security at White House, also had high-score removed from Frogger.
While performing at the Olympic Opening ceremony, Justin Timberlake fell while attempting a Triple Axel Booty Pop.
March:
Weinstein Company filed for bankruptcy, saw no silver lining in their playbook.
Man fell off of a cruise ship, then sued after he was charged for a snorkeling excursion.

America agreed  “Die Hard” was not an Easter movie.
Critics claimed they were looking forward to the new “Rosanne,” until finding out it would star Rosanne.

Oscar officials revealed a Jedi would attack the winner with the longest speech.
Duran Duran went vegan – then revealed they were hungry like a giraffe.
Anderson Cooper dressed up as a pizza delivery guy for Stormy Daniels interview.
Oregon day care owner received a 21-year sentence for drugging kids so she could go tanning - judge said she crossed the line.
Putin prepared for a nuclear war.
Trump prepared for a trade war.
Theresa May prepared for a thumb war.

 April:

KFC revealed Burger King would be the next Colonel Sanders.

California voted on separating into 3 states: Northern California, Southern California, and Tom Cruise’s ego

Netflix revealed the new Lost in Space robot was made from old Dyson parts.

During Cosby retrial, the jury asked for a definition of “consent” – also asked, “What’s a cubit?”

Entertainment News: The Fruit of the Loom guys had a brief reunion.

GQ magazine called Bible “foolish and not worth reading” – then touted the “Top 3 Reasons Men Should Wear Square-Toed Shoes.”

Phoenix mom accused of using Taser on son to wake him up from church on Easter Sunday; claimed friend lent her the weapon.

Prince Philip had successful hip operation; was soon back performing her majesty’s secret service.

r.i.p. Verne Troyer

Royal baby named Louis Arthur Charles after Lou Ferringo, Arthur Fonzarelli, and Charles Nelson Reilly.

May:

Propaganda loudspeakers dismantled at South Korean border, then shipped to North America for Ozzy Osbourne 2019 tour.

Baboon escaped from San Antonio airport, leaving officials red faced.

Gibson guitar maker filed for bankruptcy protection, told customers not to fret.

Kim Jong-un released three American prisoners – all who left unflattering YELP reviews of North Korea.

Royal officials announced John Cleese would silly-walk Meghan down the aisle.

Starbucks announced you needn’t be a customer to use bathroom, then attached key to 4,000 lb. can of Veranda blend.

Bill Cosby was expelled from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts, not because of assault convictions, but because they finally got around to watching “Leonard Part 6.”

Right Said Fred admitted he wasn’t too sexy for his shirt.

Experts revealed the Hawaii volcano eruption was caused by the Tiki Idol discarded by Bobby Brady

Rolls Royce revealed a luxury SUV at a price of $325,000 – the “Check Engine” light can also be used for laser hair removal.

June:

Miss America organizers dropped swimsuit portion of pageant, replaced it with spelling bee and competitive lumberjack events.

Farrah Fawcett’s son charged with attempted murder, then posed for mug shot wearing red swimsuit.

Tyson recalled 3,000 pounds of frozen chicken due to plastic contamination - label read “Best If Used By Jan 3081.

Vince Vaughn arrested for DUI after failing to catch any of the dodge balls during roadside sobriety test.

For a dying wish, last surviving “Wizard of Oz” munchkin requested family to scatter his ash somewhere over the rainbow.

After IHOP changed name to IHOB, Bob Evans revealed it would change name to “Robert Evanski.”

Comedian Pete Davidson confirmed engagement to Ariana Grande, friend Carrie tells him to watch out for bucket of pig’s blood at ceremony.

Giant dust storm blanketed Mars causing officials to postpone the Miss Universe semi-finals.

FBI agent accidently shot man on dance floor after doing back flip, claimed he thought he was doing the Safety Dance.

Top Movie News: Officials revealed they found one more Samurai.

July:

Stormy Daniels was arrested at Ohio strip club, then was given lawyer from the American Bar Association.

NASA launched mission to sun in unmanned craft after astronauts refused to lather up with Coppertone SPF 5,000,000.

New study revealed US wages were back at 1974 levels, barely enough for people to go Kung Fu Fighting.

Lebron James signed to play for LA Lakers; plans to work as a basketball player while trying to break into movies.

Amazon revealed it was buying Sears and turning them into Toys R Us stores.

Updated 60s sitcom news:  Sergeant Schultz knows something.

U.S. Men’s Soccer Team made it to the semi-finals of the World Dixie Cup.

Two-dozen people who saw the movie “Tag” reportedly frozen in stupidity.

Rupert Homes sued Quincy Jones for not letting him sing on “We are the World.”

Top 3 Reasons 50- Foot Woman Attacked:
  • Nowhere to buy shoes
  • Takes forever to use lint roller
  • Wine gets short-pour at restaurant


August:

After 8 bodies found in Cancun, State Department issued a traveling warning to any Americans who may beheading to Mexico.

Pfizer launched pumpkin-spice Viagra to help grow lagging sales.

Russians hacked fantasy football teams across America – making Yakov Smirnoff starting quarterback.

Man pecked to death at chicken farm, police suspected fowl play.

Eddie Murphy revealed he was expecting 10thchild, surpassing the number of people who’d seen “The Adventures of Pluto Nash.”

ABC revealed Roseanne’s character would be killed off by rifleman Chuck Connors.

New study revealed 1 in 50 people found love on an airplane - and 50 in 50 found a reason not to have children.

Man had finger bitten off during brawl at Massachusetts golf course, then tried to flip attacker the birdie.

Aretha Franklin left no will or trust, prompting Prince’s family to begin fighting over the estate.

Robin Thicke’s girlfriend held up sonogram of baby but left fans guessing because of blurred lines.

September:

Bill Cosby announced his latest project: “Leavenworth Part 6”

FBI recovered Dorthy’s stolen ruby slippers after thief tried to return them to DSW Warehouse.

U2’s Bono suffered complete loss of voice in Berlin forcing cancellation. After show, he had no comment.

PC Magazine revealed the most popular dating app during the Spanish Inquisition was Christian No-Mingle.

After interest rates spike, kids on Vermont beach were seen making subsidized sandcastles.

Charlie Sheen celebrated his birthday by drinking Pumpkin-Spice Tiger Blood.

Critics hailed Dennis Quaid’s performance in new movie “Esurance.”

FBI investigation revealed Kavanaugh skipped school, sang “Danke Schoen” on a parade float, then impersonated Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago.

Eminem engaged in rap battle with Charlie the Tuna – dropped retaliation track “Gillshot.”

Tiger Woods won $3 million dollars, plus another $50 when Spaulding picked his nose.

New government report revealed price of F-35 military aircraft dropped to $89 million.  Toilet seats remained steady at $725 per.

October:

Mr. Whipple was fired from supermarket for squeezing the Charmin.
Notorious gangster James ‘Whitey’ Bulger found dead, then transferred to a minimum-security prison.

Man bitten by baby rhino at Cincinnati zoo, claimed he thought he was petting a fat unicorn.

Man arrested for sneaking alcohol into movie theater in son’s sippy cup, also had Gerber jar filled with maraschino cherries.

Houston banned brothel for robots, forcing the closure of  ‘The Best Little HAL House in Texas.”

Kanye tried to make America great again by getting Lindsey Buckingham back into Fleetwood Mac.

Man who played Big Bird for 50 years retired, then learned Medicare does not cover Avian Influenza.

Toddler goes through baggage X-ray machine – security officials give him ‘all clear’ to travel.

School cook who served kangaroo meat in chili loses job after parents become hopping mad.

Neil Armstrong’s flight suit sells for #109,375 at auction, even though it had two missing buttons and was stained with Tang.

Campaign fundraising for the midterms tops 5.6 billion – and that was just for the lawn signs in Russia.

November:

Proposal 6 passed in California: The legalization of the man bun.

Prince Charles broke a tooth on his birthday, royal dentist refused to give him crown.

NASA’s probe landed on Mars, luggage accidentally sent to Venus.

Sylvester Stallone released new movie: “Greed ll”

Inmate captured at IHOP after escaping jail, said he thought he was at the Waffle Safe House.

Petco to stop selling dog food with artificial ingredients, including top seller Purina Chunky Cherry Garcia Marshmallow Blend Kibble & Bits.

Amazon revealed new headquarters will be located inside an IKEA in Columbus, Ohio.

Justin Bieber confirmed he got married, but had no room left on his arm to tattoo her name.

Phil and Tiger agreed to match at a Putt Putt Golf Course with live animals.

Ariana & Pete covered up tattoos with black heart proclaiming, “Why couldn’t we be more like Gwen and Blake.”

Authorities reported slain missionary went to island to borrow money from Thurston Howell, lll.

December:

Andrew Dice Clay formally apologized to Mother Goose – will be allowed to host Oscars.

Charlie Sheen paid off $347 worth of layaway items at a Kalamazoo Lover’s Lane.

Kentucky man charged with throwing Christmas ham at woman as argument spiraled out of control.

Marriott data breach revealed hackers stole names, reservation dates, passport numbers, and pillow mints.

Fans petition for Pete Rose to be nominated in Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, claiming he has a lot of great hits.

Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year: Toxic.  Also used to describe Burger King’s 10 Chicken Nuggets for $1.

Sammy Hagar announced he could drive 55.

Twisted Sister decided to take it.

CDC recalls mistletoe after E. Coli outbreak, recommends standing under kale, spinach, arugula or bok choy - results may vary.

This month in history, December 26, 1776: Washington crossed the Delaware River to attack British forces and return a Christmas tie to a Trenton, New Jersey T.J. Maxx.

San Quentin escapee captured at Taco Bell, claimed he was only trying the clink outside the bun.

14-pound baby was born in Texas hospital – stork says it was a jaw-dropping experience.

Ray Liotta’s revealed his new year’s resolution was to wean himself off of CHANTIX.

Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight




Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Top 5 Mind-Boggling Predictions 2018 - Results


In January 2018, I made 5 bold predictions for the upcoming year.  Well it's time to review and I'm sorry to report none of them came to fruition.  Following are the predictions along with a brief synopsis of reality.

5. Prince Harry Left at the Altar  

With the world watching, Prince Harry is stranded at the altar when fiancé Meghan Markle fails to walk down the aisle at their Royal Wedding.

A horse drawn carriage, driven by country music star Kenny Chesney, is seen speeding away from Windsor Castle with a white-laced train caught in the door.

What really happened: Wedding vows exchanged without a hitch - then Meghan begins a life-long hat battle with Kate Middleton.


4. Justin Timberlake Plays Polkas at Super Bowl Half Time

Justin Timberlake shocks fans at Super Bowl Lll when he takes the stage wearing a blue houndstooth vest and Bohemian peasant cap.

Instead of singing “Can’t Stop This Feeling,” Timberlake straps on an accordion and belts out a medley that includes the “Beer Barrel” and  “Doghouse” polkas.

What really happened: No polka.  Re-mixed pop hits and dance moves seen by 106 million viewers, except this one, who was preparing buffalo pickle chips.


3. Network News Read by Talking Horses

Television networks, fed up with the inappropriate behavior of staff, decide to have the news read by horses.  

CNN starts the trend by bringing in a Clydesdale to fill in on weekends, the trend continues throughout the year with sport goats and weather pigs.

What really happened: No talking horses,  but controversy  abound, as Megyn Kelly is fired for making comments about blackface and Halloween costumes.


2. N. Korean Platoon Defects; Wins Olympic Curling Gold

A group of North Korean soldiers defect to South Korea carrying brooms and heavy stones. 

Years of sweeping and cleaning in harsh conditions pay off as the team takes gold in a nail-biting final against Sweden.

What really happened:  No defections.  No Medals.  But N. Korea seeks to add ice Ping Pong to next winter games.


1. Anti-Aging Drug Turns Millions of Americans Into Babies

A new drug that hyper-reverses the aging process sweeps across America.  The drug, known as “Springtime,” is initially prescribed by physicians to “knock a few years off,” but when taken in large quantities can morph a user into a toddler within hours.

The FDA scrambles to halt distribution, but not before over 2.75 million people become infants.

What really happened:  No new miracle drug - you're just a year older.






Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

The Tree Monster - A Short Story by Gary George


     The burnt orange leaf of a sugar maple floated from the sky, randomly spinning in the crisp fall air, until it disappeared into the bell of a tuba.  I half expected the foliage to puff back out but that wasn’t the case.  Neither did it slow down the high-stepping musician in the University of Michigan marching band.  The football game wasn’t until Saturday, but mom liked to bring me to the practice field midweek to catch the halftime rehearsal.  The wagon ride was eight blocks and by the time we arrived she had the haggard look of a pioneer braving the Oregon Trail.  
      I jumped off the Radio Flyer and punched my miniature hands through the diamond-mesh fence.  As the drum line boomed, I stood transfixed.  The trombone players extended and contracted the brass slide. The conductor, equally mad, stood on a ladder, waving a paintbrush without bristles.  Students marched furiously in every direction, pivoting, reversing, sliding, kneeling, and flanking.  Mom said they were forming gigantic letters that would be seen from the stands.  We watched for an hour then headed home as the brass section belted out the theme from “El Cid.”
     Dinner that evening was chicken, as it was every Monday.  I was recruited to shake the pouch filled with breadcrumbs and raw parts.  The oven light had stopped working, so mom cautiously slid the baking sheet into the range, wearing oversized mitts shaped like roosters.  Canned corn and mashed potatoes rounded out the menu.  We couldn’t afford a hand mixer so the spuds, drowning in butter and chives, were lumpy.  Dad said he liked them that way, or so I was told.
     Conversation around the table percolated beyond normal due to the fact tomorrow was Halloween.  My costume would be a classic hobo.  Torn red flannel pajamas, black mascara beard, and a blanket stick to carry over my shoulder.  My older brother, Dan, would be an astronaut, like the ones practicing to go to the moon. Together we would meander up to our neighbor’s porches and point blank demand candy, or so I was told.
   “What did you get last year?” 
    “Sweet Tarts and Tootsie Rolls… and Milk Duds,” Dan said, “and licorice from the witch around the block.”  Parents in our neighborhood liked to wear costumes and scare the trick-or-treaters.  Mr. Carlisle worked at a funeral home and would spring up from a casket as Dracula, complete with pale foundation, foreboding eyes shadow, and deep red lipstick.  
    Halloween would begin early for Dan, as he would wear his spacesuit to kindergarten and mingle with ghosts, cowboys, nurses, and robots.  Some of the teachers got into the spirit, like Mrs. Kessler who dressed up as Clarabelle Cow and passed out Dum Dums.  I wouldn’t get to kindergarten until next year when I’d be five – or so I was told.
     My Dad, still wearing his beige, wrinkled work shirt and clip-on tie reached for the last piece of bread.  Most people spread butter on their bread, but not my father.  He liked it dry.  He also didn’t care much for salt or pepper.  When I asked him about it once, he pretended not to hear me.
    Clearing his throat, dad opened the local paper, which levitated from his lap.  “Let’s see what’s going on in the world,” he said.  Dad didn’t read much, so his sudden interest in worldly events piqued our curiosity.  He turned the pages with odd deliberation, even snapping the sheets as if to smooth out a wrinkle.  On page seven, opposite the advertisement for Fowler’s Pancake House, he paused.  
    “Boys,” he said, “there’s a monster loose in our neighborhood.  Instead of arms the creature has branches – and it’s been breaking into houses.  It says it right here.”  Dad tapped the paper with his index finger.  “And if it gets mad, it unscrews its head and throws it at you.”
    Well he had my attention!  I hopped off my chair and scurried around to view the rag first hand.  Dad removed his tie and finished his milk.  Dad always had a glass of milk with dinner, except when we had a barbeque - then he had beer, usually a Budweiser or Blatz, depending on what his sidekick, Big Rich, brought over.  I jostled onto his lap.
    “There’s no pictures, but we’ll have to be careful, make sure the windows are closed.”   Dad tucked the paper under his arm, strolled into the living room, and plopped down on the recliner. Dust billowed from the pea green fabric and disappeared quickly into the air like smoke from a civil war musket.  The TV hadn’t worked for months, but Dad stared at the blank screen anyway, hoping magic would fix the vacuum tube.
    Mom calmly cleared the table as if she missed the news about the pending attack.  This monster, this deadly beastly could break in at any moment and unscrew his head!  Didn’t you hear what dad said!  Unscrew … his … head.    
    Mom smiled and asked if I wanted an oatmeal cookie.
    Dan was less concerned, even confrontational.  He received a bow and arrow set for Christmas and with relentless practice had acquired the aim of an expert marksman.  One Sunday morning he haphazardly hit mom’s sewing mannequin with such fury it tumbled to the hardwood and forced several pins into the torso.  We set the dummy upright and unanimously agreed to never discuss the crime.  I’ll shoot the Tree Monster between the eyes!”  Dan yelled, drawing back the bowstring.   The sponge-tipped dart sailed through the air, narrowly missing our dog.  
    Eager to catch a glimpse of the creature, I bolted to window and peered outside.  Rain started to fall and drops splattered the glass making vision difficult. I stared in the abyss as the wind howled.  Across the street, I faintly made out the neighbor’s flickering pumpkin.  Troy’s dad had a penchant for fire and ritually lit their jack-o’-lantern a day early.  Last year he placed a top hat on the carved gourd and watched it burst into flames.      
    The bedtime story featured Curious George.  Under a hand-sewn quilt, we huddled on the couch as mom began reading.  The plot was typical: while searching for honey, the mischievous monkey caught his noggin in a beehive.  Captivated with the adventure, we paid scant attention to dad sneaking out to buy milk for tomorrow’s cereal.   
     Taking turns with the narration, Dan flawlessly zipped through a few pages, and then slid the paperback in my direction.  I stumbled mid-sentence and Mom sounded out the passage.  At the time I didn’t realize I had severe astigmatism.   Next year I found out I needed glasses, when I was tested in kindergarten.
    A boisterous tap on the window broke our attention.  
    “What was that?” I asked.   
    “Nothing,” mom responded, “ignore it.”
    Tap.  Tap!  Tap! This time it was louder. I leapt up on the couch.
    Mom folded the book in her lap, making sure to keep her place in the story.  Dan scurried to the window.  
    Bang!  A large branch crashed on the pane.  My brother lurched back as if flung from a Tilt-A-Whirl.             
    “It’s the Treeeeeeeee Monster!” 
    In a flash, Dan drew his bow and took aim at the window.  The first arrow hit the glass.  Doink!
    “Don’t shoot at the window!” mom yelled.
    With the courage of a Sioux chief, Dan retrieved a tomahawk hidden under the throw rug.  I had forgotten about the weapon, which was secured last year on our vacation to Fort Michilimackinac.  I thought it had been thrown out after our failed attempt to cut a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in half.
    The window opened and a tree limb lurched inside.  A terrifying voice grunted as the bough thrashed in a circular motion, whisking leaves about room.  Dan swung the souvenir ax again and again, hitting the bark with the velocity of a lumberjack possessed.
     Throughout the attack, mom remained calm.  “You can stop,” she told Dan, “I’m sure the Tree Monster has had enough.”  Sure enough, after a final flurry of activity, the appendage retreated and the Tree Monster disappeared into the night, gently closing the window behind it.   
     “I scared him off!” Dan said.
    Before we could settle back in to Curious George, a commotion was detected at the back door.  Expecting to see my dad stroll in with a gallon of milk, we instead got the shock of our young lives.  Looming in the doorway of our living room was the Tree Monster.
    The creature stood over six-feet tall. Jutting from his pockets were sticks, branches, and leaves.  His jacket, zipped all the up, rode unnaturally high about his neck.  On top, held in place by his hands, was his head – a white mass resembling a stuffed pillowcase.  The face was nondescript, as if drawn on by a magic marker.
    My brother froze, unable to reach his frontier weapons.  The monster stepped forward, clumsily banging into the doorway.  Scared and shivering, I opened my mouth and emitted a terrifying shriek.  
    What happened next, was something for which I’ll never forget – the Tree Monster unscrewed his head.  Twisting counterclockwise, he cranked around and around. Finally uncorked, he lifted the decapitated mass high above his shoulders, flipped his wrist, and tossed the nob into my brother’s lap.
    Not wanting to see more, I dove under the blanket.  After what seemed like an eternity, mom leaned over toward me, “The Tree Monster is gone,” she whispered.
    Peaking from the blanket, I saw my dad holding my brother and realized the ordeal was over.  The Tree Monster would not dare show his face with my dad in the room.  Mom put “Curious George” back on the bookshelf and began picking up the debris littering the shag rug.
    The next morning, I sat eating Frosted Flakes from my favorite red bowl, as mom assisted Dan with his space helmet. The radio was on and I waited intently for the newsbreak. Dad finished a piece of dry toast.  
    “Are they going to talk about the Tree Monster?” I asked.
    “I’m afraid not,” dad said and then brushed some crumbs on to the floor.
   Attacks by the Tree Monster were rarely reported.  Doing so would cause widespread panic across the globe.  The weak would board themselves in their homes and cower under furniture. The brave would wander outside with rifles and shoot anything that moved – it would be the end of civilization.  Or so I was told.

- END -

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News February 4, 2018 - February 10, 2018



Robert Wagner was named ‘person of interest’ in Natalie Wood’s drowning death after DNA evidence revealed he was 30% Norwegian, 10% German, and 60% Guilty.
L.L. Bean canceled its lifetime return policy after a Pilgrim tried to return a hat buckle.
Joe Kennedy applied too much lip balm during his speech spurring rumors of another ChapStickquiddick.




After hearing Dunkin’ Donuts will eliminate foam cups by 2020, McDonald’s revealed it will stop making foam McNuggets by 2025.
Kid who took Super Bowl halftime selfie with Justin Timberland sued Pepsi for a “crappy 15 minutes of fame.” 
Norovirus spread through the Olympic Village causing officials to change the event from Curling to Hurling.

A Girl Scout from California sold 300 boxes of cookies outside a pot shop, the most popular being the TagaBongs.
U.S. stock market lost more than $3 trillion, but consumers rested easy knowing their Dominos carry-out pizza was insured.  

Amazon teamed up with other corporate giants to form a healthcare company that will offer EchoCardiograms.





During State of the Union Address, Trump took credit for Liberating Paris.
Also promised to remove ‘From Justin to Kelly’ from Netflix.
The temperature at the Winter Olympics was so cold the ice dancers decided not to shave their legs.


Justin Timberlake performed at the Olympic Opening Ceremony, then fell while attempting a Triple Axel Booty Pop.
‘North Korea invited South Korea’s president to visit, but demanded he bring a dish to pass.
Olympic skier Al Pine admitted he only made the team because of his name and had never actually seen snow.


Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight

Top 3 Oddball Ways To Increase Viewership At The PyeongChang Olympic Winter Games


TV viewership at the PyeongChang 2018 Olympic Winter Games is down.
But not all is lost. With a little tweaking, many events may be made more exciting to watch.
Here are a few suggestions:

Curling Canine
Curling may be made immediately more exciting by adding dogs to the mix.
How so?
Dogs love to chase brooms!
I can't sweep my garage without my Lab grabbing at the whisk end and trying to bring me down.
The same will work at the Olympics. As the stone glides down the ice, release a Siberian Husky.
Watch the pooch seize the bristles and get in a tug of war with the sweeper. Pulling and tugging may cause the Olympian to take a bad spill and possibly incur an injury.
But when the winner hobbles to the podium to receive a metal, you'll know he or she earned it.
Luge Escape
You've all seen it. The sled hurls down the slope at light speed with the Olympian lying down, arms firmly at side, as if wearing a straight jacket.
How could this be more exciting?
Easy.
Have the competitor wear an actual straight jacket. Audiences love a good escape artist.
The ride down the track could be thrilling to watch as the Olympian writhes and wriggles to gain freedom. If the bottom is reached without escape, points will be deducted.
And an unflattering tweet will undoubtedly be made.
Should the event gain popularity, handcuffs and a Chinese Water Torture Cell may be added.
Ice Dancing With The Fish
With the huge popularity of figure skating, ice dancing needs to set itself apart. 
Incorporating fishing into the mix may do the trick.
Small holes could be cut into the ice where participants drop in a line and get points for catching a pike, yellow perch, or whatever local fish may be circling about.
Imagine the cheers when a competitor does a triple axel, then reels in a Sturgeon.
It may introduce a whole new segment of people to the sport.

See you at the games!

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News January 21, 2018 - January 27, 2018




Campbell Soup to close Toronto plant, workers to be canned.
Beer sales in the U.S. declined in 2017 as Millennials switched to wine, melted snowflakes, and unicorn tears.
Mort Walker, creator of ‘Beetle Bailey,’ died at 94, details remained sketchy.


Amazon to open store with no checkout lines, if you shoplift they’ll lock you up behind barcode.
Breaking Hollywood:  Jumanji hippo reportedly trashed bathroom at SAG awards.
After Tsunami warning, Californians rushed to marijuana groves in search of higher ground.

Oscar nominations revealed:  ‘The Shape of Three Billboards’ selected for all categories.
Deporting DREAMers is an outlandish idea,
S. Korea called for N. Korea to suspend military parade, this after Charlie Brown float already fitted with Kim Jong-un hairpiece.
Discovery Channel storm chaser Joel Taylor died at 38, funnel services to be held Saturday.  Weather permitting.
Murphy Brown is returning to network TV.   Matt Lauer still unemployed.

David Copperfield accused of pulling a rabbit out of his pants.
93,000 pounds of Mardi Gras beads found in New Orleans storm drains, city issued flood warning.
Rain caused Paris’ Seine River to overflow, fashion analysts recommended wearing flood pants.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dead at 91, funeral services to be held at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
NFL Pro Bowl played in Orlando, oddsmakers expected players to give 35%.
Toys R Us to close 182, many to reopen as Depressed Baby Boomers R Us.
When asked about allegations of sexual misconduct, Steve Wynn said it was no big deal.  Then shuffled past reporters.  


Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight