Sunday, December 10, 2017

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News December, 03 - December 09, 2017

In news that shocked the legal world, Horton admitted he didn’t hear anything.
Motor Trend named Trump “Car of the Year.”
After allegations of improper behavior, Garrison Keillor retired to Lake I-Be-Gone.

A new study revealed dogs are smarter than cats, but either one capable of degree completion at University of Phoenix
UPS warned of delays this week and apologized to criminals waiting longer to steal packages from porches.
Netflix announced ‘House of Cards” would resume production in 2018 with new star, Ashton Kutcher.
Pay off your house early with this insane trick: get a job and send money to the mortgage company

The State of California is being sued because too many students can’t read – it is a class action suit.
‘Layaway Angel’ at Toys R Us, paid $100,000 of strangers’ bills, also bought
Geoffrey the Giraffe an oversized Halls Mentho-Lyptus drop.

Former Today Show weatherman Willard Scott accused of inappropriately touching the Doppler radar screen in 2012.
Airlines industry profits soared 11 percent in 2017, mostly from removing salt from pretzels and selling cannabis bathrobes in SkyMall catalog.
Winston Churchill’s glasses fetched $8,000 at auction – buyer complained the spectacles pinched his nose.

Tony the Tiger was accused of cereal groping.
NBC revealed it would not pay off Matt Lauer’s contract, and would instead use the money to add lumbar support to all the chairs on The Voice.
Following failed Pontiac Silverdome implosion,  “The Backstreet Boys” concert went on as scheduled.

Billy Bush confirmed voice on tape was Donald Trump, then continued dressing mannequins in Dick’s Sporting Goods.
After CVS agreed to buy health insurer Aetna, Rite Aid announced it would correct the typo in name to read Right Aid.  
Olympic Committee banned Russia from 2018 Winter Games, also booted Fred Flintstone from Ice Capades for drinking 5-Hour Energy.

Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News November, 19 - November 25, 2017

Charles Manson died at 83, but still denied release by parole board.
Black Friday pandemonium broke out when shoppers tried to find the nearest Amazon.
Rare “Dracula” movie poster sold for $525,800 at auction, taking a big bite from buyer’s checkbook.
Charlie Brown parade float was put on hold as he underwent concussion protocol from missed football kick.
Uber paid  $100,000 for silence on cyber-attack, but was confused on how much to tip hackers.
Top 5 Worst Thanksgiving Side Dishes
  1. Maple-Roasted Boot Vegetables
  2. Cloned Duck Pâté
  3. Ricotta-Stuffed Squash Possums
  4. Swampmallow Fruit Salad
  5. Stuffed Groped Mushrooms

Country music music legend Mel TTTillis died at 85.
North Korean soldier who defected likes “Bruce Almighty,” but added it wasn’t worth risking his life to see the blooper reel.
Oscar Pistorius’ prison sentence more than doubled to 13 years, former Olympic runner skipped appeal.
Bruce Springsteen’s childhood home was put up for sale, owner will consider a Badlands contract.
White House pardoned Thanksgiving turkeys, but still held the candied yams accountable.
Top 5 Observations from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade:
  1. Not to nitpick, but the flute player 3rd from the left just played a wrong note.
  2. Some of the turkey dancers seem to be phoning it in.
  3. The Pillsbury Doughboy just reached over and groped Hello Kitty.
  4. The Jolly Green Giant looks like a stalker.
  5. One of the pilgrims is on an iPhone.

David Cassidy’s last words were “So much wasted time,” and not “The bus needs a transmission,” as previously reported.
Lou Bega appeared in advertising for New York Live, touting the benefits of Annuity No. 5
Amazon workers went on strike in Europe, as employees droned on about low wages.
Georgia Dome imploded in 12 seconds … 3 seconds longer than Charlie Rose’s career.
Pixar executive, John Lassiter, takes leave of absence after accused of being a harassing Monster, Inc.
Top 3 Least Controversial Political Topics for Thanksgiving Dinner:
  1. What type of wood was used for George Washington’s teeth?
  2. Was the Louisiana Purchase made with a credit card?
  3. What font was used in the “Dewy Defeats Truman” headline?
  4. Was vice president Aaron Burr related to Raymond Burr?
  5. Did Abe Lincoln have a fake beard?

Credit card glitch at Macy’s reportedly did not affect Black Friday shoplifters.
Study revealed that Calvin Klein “Eternity” fragrance wore off in 7 hours, 49 minutes, and 5 seconds.
Mexico raised minimum wage to $4.70 per day, making the dream of buying a Starbucks Chestnut Praline Chai Tea Latte a reality.

Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News November, 12 - November 18, 2017

New study showed Britain is the most obese country in Europe, followed closely by West Virginia.

Charles Manson reportedly squeaking by on life support.

Disneyland worker tested positive for Legionnaires’ Disease after allegedly acting goofy.
Richest 1% now owns half of the world’s wealth, but has never tasted a Costco hot dog.
Couple finds frog in water at Waffle House, police called in to iron things out.

With the holidays approaching, Weight Watchers recommended turning the needle back on your scale 5 pounds.
People Magazine stripped Blake Shelton of  “Sexiest Man Alive,” title after photos surfaced of him shopping at Target without makeup.
Museum of the Bible opened with controversy when deviled eggs were discovered on the Café brunch menu.
Al Franken released new book: “Gropes, and the Groping Gropers who Grope Them”

Whole foods slashed prices again, this time on several “holiday staples,’ including sweet potatoes, canned pumpkin, and Vodka.
Argentina reported missing submarine, then stepped up search using a game of Marco Polo.
UCLA players returned to the U.S. after being detained in China for shoplifting at Louis Vuitton – their future looks bright, but they don’t have any shades.
New digital pill can tell doctors if you’ve taken your medication, but still can’t find you if you’re lost in IKEA.

Police photographer said that Rose McGowan looked charming in mug shot.
According to a new survey, Germany replaced U.S. as country with best global image.  Experts blamed Florida.
Uber announced new service for migrating geese.
Tesla introduced first big rig truck, prompting experts to ask “what’s next, an electric toothbrush?”

Firefighters in China dismantled a washing machine to rescue 10-year-old.  One hour later, the child got stuck again.
New study revealed that Ziploc bags do not prevent sandwiches from being stolen.
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade officially cut the Louis C.K. float.

Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News November, 05 - November 11, 2017

Comedian Louis C.K. agreed to go to counseling, on a whip-it-outpatient basis.

After weeks of complaints, Apple fixed autocorrect on EyePhone.

Garth Brooks admitted to lip-syncing at CMA, also revealed he has a friend in a high place.

Ronald McDonald suffered broken McRib after being attacked by neighbor.

In China, Trump team asked to meet with the engineering firm that made the Great Wall.
Boxer Mike Tyson denied entry to Chile, then sent home on plane where he was accused of talking a passenger’s ear off.
Top 5 Starbucks Holiday Drinks
  1. Inappropriate Office Party Moment Latte
  2. Batteries Not Included Chai
  3. Mass Once-a-Year Mocha
  4. Dried Pine Needle Punch
  5. Frugal Secret Santa Espresso

Bob Costa revealed he’d forbid his son from playing football because of the beating he would take, adding “that goes double for band.”
Ozzy Osbourne announced farewell tour, playlist to feature new songs including “Coumadin Train” and “Iron Deficiency Man.”

Saudi royals swept up in corruption investigation reportedly held at the Ritz-Carlton, where the windows were fitted with minibars.
Comcast was hit by major outages this week, according to Chet, customer service rep for North America.
Stephen Hawking warned artificial intelligence could destroy civilization.  Siri countered that the physicist is full of crap.
Three UCLA basketball players arrested in China after failing to make a fast break.
French technology company, Navya, unveiled self-driving car that can be controlled with a joystick, just in case drivers are chased by Blinky, Pinky, Inky, or Clyde.

President Trump said North Korean leaflet calling him a “mad dog” is a bunch of Hong Kong Phooey.
Hollywood Reporter revealed Jack Benny had an inappropriate relationship with his violin.
Management banned O.J. Simpson from The Cosmopolitan Casino in Las Vegas, allegedly for counting blondes.
Trump and Putin agreed to defeat IS in Syria, still disagree on “Taste Great, Less Filling.”
Top 3 Lesser Crimes on the Orient Express
  1. Pickpocketing
  2. Panhandle
  3. Loitering


Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight