Saturday, February 6, 2016
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Humor Report - Week in Review: January 17 - 24, 2016
A CNN poll revealed the democratic race was getting tighter. Bernie Sanders had 30% of the vote. Hillary Clinton followed closely with 32%. And singer Adele led both candidates with 48%.
Internet betting site FanDuel was sued for $50,000 in damages after a man in a Broncos jersey throat-punched man in Patriot’s jersey.
Mariah Carey received a 35-carat engagement ring from her billionaire fiancé James Packer. Friends said the pop singer bragged about the gift until seeing it on the Home Shopping Network for $35.99.
Country singer Willie Nelson announced a benefit concert for Farmville. The once popular mobile app has suffered declining popularity as people determined raising livestock on a phone is a senseless, idiotic, waste of time.
A massive blizzard hit the east coast on Saturday, closing roads, mass transportation and Broadway, proving once and for all – the show really doesn’t have to go on ….
Friday, January 1, 2016
Some forecasters play it safe by predicting Leonardo DiCaprio will finally win an Oscar for fighting a bear.
Here are my five over-the-top predictions for 2016.
5. NBC Airs Live Musical Version of “Scarface”
With the huge success of “The Wiz Live!” the Peacock Network ups the ante with a song and dance version of the classic crime thriller.
Hugh Jackman plays gangster Tony Montana with earnest, belting out songs about drug trafficking and money laundering while playfully twirling a chain saw.
The powerful climax has the coked-up mobster singing a whimsical ballad called “Say Hello To My Little Friend” before unloading a t-shirt gun into the audience.
4. Caitlyn Jenner Marries Jake From State Farm
TMZ breaks the story of former Olympian Caitlyn Jenner’s secret nuptial with reclusive insurance huckster Jake.
A small ceremony of close friends and family takes place on a secluded Hawaiian island. Dress is informal, as the bridesmaids wear beige pants and red shirts.
No one protests the union and the quaint ceremony is officiated by the Aflac duck.
3. President Obama Wins Cuba in Poker Game.
On a vacation to Cuba President Obama wins the Caribbean island in a high stakes poker hand with Raul Castro.
The pot, which started out with a rum factory and parts of Dade County, goes to Obama when he produces a straight flush.
The two men share a cigar while forming a transition plan that includes opening several McDonald’s and filming a reality show called “The Real Housewives of Havana.”
2. The L.A. Lakers Draft Pop Group One Direction
After a dismal 2015 season, the L.A. Lakers bring “Showtime” back to the Staples Center by drafting pop band One Direction.
The English-Irish group has no basketball skills, but that doesn’t matter. The boys save all of their energy for the half time show where they perform a greatest hits medley that blows the top off the roof.
Best of all, departed singer Zayn Malik rejoins the group when he is promised a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
1. Donald Trump Picks Steve Harvey as Running Mate
Comedian Steve Harvey is selected as Trump’s running mate and immediately declares “The Don” winner of the presidential race.
The two exchange celebratory high fives as Wayne Newton sings “Danke Schoen.”
After a windy acceptance speech, Trump is informed the actual election isn’t for another four months.
Harvey is hastily ushered into the boardroom and fired.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Note: Originally published on absrdcomedy.com. Check out more hilarious parody news stories.
In a move that caught royal watchers off-guard, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge announced they adopted reality child star, Honey Boo Boo.
The couple decided to take in the former beauty pageant contestant after a plea from parent Mama June.
“My baby keeps begging to live in a castle,” June reportedly told Kate, “I just can’t provide an adequately lifestyle.”
The Duchess apparently decided the former beauty pageant contestant would be a perfect addition to the monarchy.
“She’s accustomed to the cameras,” Kate said, “and I loved her show, especially when she bobbed for hot dogs in eggnog.”
Tabloid reporter, Eunice Bratwistle, was stunned by the announcement.
“Sure Kate wants a big family, but I’m not sure England is ready for royal vajiggle jaggle.”
When asked about Honey Boo Boo’s fashion sense, Bratwistle was steadfast.
“It’s nothing a pair of Spanx couldn’t fix.”
Upon arriving at her new home at Kensington Palace, Honey Boo Boo was her feisty self, twerking to make the Royal Guard laugh.
“This is fun,” she told the soldier, “Later on we’ll play “Guess Whose Breath?”
The star immediately became a big sister to one of the most famous babies in the world, 18-month-old Prince George.
“I don’t trust him,” Honey Boo Boo revealed, “He looks like the kid from ‘The Omen”, I’m totally creeped.”
Royal historian, Nigel Nippleton, details how Honey Boo’s adoption changes the order of succession to the British throne.
“Of course, Prince Charles follows Queen Elizabeth. After that it’s Prince William, Prince George and Prince Harry. Then hold on to your knickers, Honey Boo Boo takes over.”
When asked what she would do if she were queen, Honey Boo lit up.
“I’d cut me some coupons and then go shopping for cheese balls in a limo.”
Prince Charles was perturbed upon hearing the news and immediately began beating himself in the head with a polo mallet.
“He’s at the end of his tether,” Camilla said when a valet tried to disarm him, “But he’ll be alright after a Skinnygirl cocktail and nap.”
Note: Originally published on absrdcomedy.com. Check out more hilarious parody news stories.
Rookie Detective Zachary Mellon thought he was reading about a real-life felony when he stumbled across the shooting of oil tycoon J.R. Ewing.
Sifting through press clippings of unsolved crimes, the cold case investigator was unaware the article was from the 80’s TV show “Dallas,” and unwittingly reopened the case.
“It bothered me that no one was prosecuted,” Mellon said, “He wasn’t the nicest guy, from what I could tell, but he didn’t deserve to get popped like that.”
Mellon’s partner, Joss Bradner, also unfamiliar with the popular primetime soap opera, agreed thecase should be reopened.
“I thought Zach was on to something,” Bradner said, “J.R.’s wife, Sue Ellen was jailed, but then release for lack of evidence. Someone should be held accountable.”
The two detectives drove around greater Dallas for a few days trying to interview witnesses, but kept hitting dead ends.
“People just kind of looked at us funny,” Zack said, “Like we were crazy or something.”
The investigation was halted after precinct commander, Captain Drake Wasont, was informed.
“I couldn’t believe these two nitwits were trying to find out who shot J.R.,” Wasont said, “I didn’t know whether to suspend them or buy them the complete series box set on Amazon.”
When asked about the incident, Mellon downplayed the mistake.
“I did feel kind of silly when I found out it was just a TV show, “ Mellon said, “but no harm was done.”
When asked if he ever found out who shot J.R., the detective laughed.
“Everyone knows it was Kristin Shepard, J.R.’s sister-in-law. Right?”
Saturday, June 6, 2015
As you make the rounds at high school graduation parties, poking over the three-bean dip under a rented tent, you may have the unfortunate experience of coming face to face with the college-bound honoree.
“How bout those Mumford & Sons, they rock, huh.”
No. You’re not cool.
Instead offer the young optimist some guidance. Be concise and quick, as the youngster may have a long night of celebration and debauchery ahead.
Following is a list of advice I’ve prepared in hopes enlightening the graduate. Feel free to borrow if necessary.
Pick A “Pocket Protector” Career
This is a no brainer. Tell the graduate to choose a job that requires the use of a pocket protector.
This simple advice may immediately point the student in the direction of an engineer, computer programmer, or scientist.
At the same time, dissuade him or her from becoming a professional wrestler.
The graduate may stare at you blankly, but will thank you years from now when their job doesn’t entail getting smashed over the head with a stool during a cage match.
Even if college isn’t in their future, suggest a pocket protector anyway. People may think they’re smart.
And that’s half the battle.
Create Oddball Facebook Alias
College is fun. Heck, real fun.
But it’s important to keep the fun times private. As well as your identity.
Potential employers may search social media to check the behavior of new hires. And they might not want their next employee of the month to be the “best dang beer pong player on the Carnival Fantasy.”
So tell the high school alumnus to ditch their real Facebook name. And the sooner the better.
A new name may then be created to throw snoopy employers off the trail.
Be creative. Possible aliases include:
Brussel S. Prout
Note: if their Facebook page is dedicated to their work with Leader Dogs for the Blind, stay the course.
Get a Grip
What they may not teach in high school is the importance of a firm handshake. In fact, with the proliferation of fist pumping, the graduate may have never shaken hands.
Test this hypothesis by extending your palm face-in toward the graduate and count to three. If you’re met with confusion, it’s time to explain the value of this once preferred custom.
A firm handshake projects confidence and trust. A weak handshake, or “wet fish” projects weakness.
If time allows, demonstrate the greeting using role-playing.
“Hello,” you should say, while offering your palm, “I’m so and so.”
If nothing else, the graduate will shake your hand quickly, and move hurriedly on to other guests.
And you can get back to the buffet table.