Top Stories January - December, 2018
Campbell Soup announced closing of Toronto plant - workers notified they would be canned.
Mort Walker, creator of ‘Beetle Bailey,’ died at 94 - details of his death remained sketchy.
Trump took credit for Liberating Paris.
After applying too much lip balm during Democratic speech, Joe Kennedy was caught up in his own ChapStickquiddick.
Magician David Copper was accused of pulling rabbit out of his pants.
Oddsmakers at the NF Pro Bowl expected players to give 35%.
When asked about sexual misconduct allegations, casino magnate Steve Wynn said it was no big deal, then shuffled past reporters.
Murphy Brown returned to network news - Matt Lauer was banned from it.
Rain caused Seine River in Paris to overflow - fashion analysts recommended wearing flood pants.
Top 3 Items Found in Grammy Swag Bag:
- Lady Gaga Million Raisons Candy Bar
- Ed Sheeran SPF 45 Sunscreen
- Childish Gambino Binky
L.L. Bean canceled its lifetime return policy after a Pilgrim tried to return a hat buckle.
Temperatures at the Winter Olympics got so cold ice dancers decided not to shave their legs.
Heather Locklear was arrested for domestic violence and resisting a change in hairstyle since 1995.
Music officials revealed “Grease” was no longer the word.
Norovirus spread through the Olympic Village prompting officials to change ‘Curling’ to ‘Hurling.’
Robert Wagner named person of interest in Natalie Wood’s drowning death after DNA evidence showed he was 30% Norwegian, 10% German, and 60% Guilty.
One Girl Scout sold 300 boxes of cookies outside a California pot shop – the most popular being the TagaBongs.
Jeffrey Tambor was Transfired from Amazon Studios.
Jared Kushner lost his top-secret security at White House, also had high-score removed from Frogger.
While performing at the Olympic Opening ceremony, Justin Timberlake fell while attempting a Triple Axel Booty Pop.
Weinstein Company filed for bankruptcy, saw no silver lining in their playbook.
Man fell off of a cruise ship, then sued after he was charged for a snorkeling excursion.
America agreed “Die Hard” was not an Easter movie.
Critics claimed they were looking forward to the new “Rosanne,” until finding out it would star Rosanne.
Oscar officials revealed a Jedi would attack the winner with the longest speech.
Duran Duran went vegan – then revealed they were hungry like a giraffe.
Anderson Cooper dressed up as a pizza delivery guy for Stormy Daniels interview.
Oregon day care owner received a 21-year sentence for drugging kids so she could go tanning - judge said she crossed the line.
Putin prepared for a nuclear war.
Trump prepared for a trade war.
Theresa May prepared for a thumb war.
Theresa May prepared for a thumb war.
KFC revealed Burger King would be the next Colonel Sanders.
California voted on separating into 3 states: Northern California, Southern California, and Tom Cruise’s ego
Netflix revealed the new Lost in Space robot was made from old Dyson parts.
During Cosby retrial, the jury asked for a definition of “consent” – also asked, “What’s a cubit?”
Entertainment News: The Fruit of the Loom guys had a brief reunion.
GQ magazine called Bible “foolish and not worth reading” – then touted the “Top 3 Reasons Men Should Wear Square-Toed Shoes.”
Phoenix mom accused of using Taser on son to wake him up from church on Easter Sunday; claimed friend lent her the weapon.
Prince Philip had successful hip operation; was soon back performing her majesty’s secret service.
r.i.p. Verne Troyer
Royal baby named Louis Arthur Charles after Lou Ferringo, Arthur Fonzarelli, and Charles Nelson Reilly.
Propaganda loudspeakers dismantled at South Korean border, then shipped to North America for Ozzy Osbourne 2019 tour.
Baboon escaped from San Antonio airport, leaving officials red faced.
Gibson guitar maker filed for bankruptcy protection, told customers not to fret.
Kim Jong-un released three American prisoners – all who left unflattering YELP reviews of North Korea.
Royal officials announced John Cleese would silly-walk Meghan down the aisle.
Starbucks announced you needn’t be a customer to use bathroom, then attached key to 4,000 lb. can of Veranda blend.
Bill Cosby was expelled from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts, not because of assault convictions, but because they finally got around to watching “Leonard Part 6.”
Right Said Fred admitted he wasn’t too sexy for his shirt.
Experts revealed the Hawaii volcano eruption was caused by the Tiki Idol discarded by Bobby Brady
Rolls Royce revealed a luxury SUV at a price of $325,000 – the “Check Engine” light can also be used for laser hair removal.
Miss America organizers dropped swimsuit portion of pageant, replaced it with spelling bee and competitive lumberjack events.
Farrah Fawcett’s son charged with attempted murder, then posed for mug shot wearing red swimsuit.
Tyson recalled 3,000 pounds of frozen chicken due to plastic contamination - label read “Best If Used By Jan 3081.
Vince Vaughn arrested for DUI after failing to catch any of the dodge balls during roadside sobriety test.
For a dying wish, last surviving “Wizard of Oz” munchkin requested family to scatter his ash somewhere over the rainbow.
After IHOP changed name to IHOB, Bob Evans revealed it would change name to “Robert Evanski.”
Comedian Pete Davidson confirmed engagement to Ariana Grande, friend Carrie tells him to watch out for bucket of pig’s blood at ceremony.
Giant dust storm blanketed Mars causing officials to postpone the Miss Universe semi-finals.
FBI agent accidently shot man on dance floor after doing back flip, claimed he thought he was doing the Safety Dance.
Top Movie News: Officials revealed they found one more Samurai.
Stormy Daniels was arrested at Ohio strip club, then was given lawyer from the American Bar Association.
NASA launched mission to sun in unmanned craft after astronauts refused to lather up with Coppertone SPF 5,000,000.
New study revealed US wages were back at 1974 levels, barely enough for people to go Kung Fu Fighting.
Lebron James signed to play for LA Lakers; plans to work as a basketball player while trying to break into movies.
Amazon revealed it was buying Sears and turning them into Toys R Us stores.
Updated 60s sitcom news: Sergeant Schultz knows something.
U.S. Men’s Soccer Team made it to the semi-finals of the World Dixie Cup.
Two-dozen people who saw the movie “Tag” reportedly frozen in stupidity.
Rupert Homes sued Quincy Jones for not letting him sing on “We are the World.”
Top 3 Reasons 50- Foot Woman Attacked:
- Nowhere to buy shoes
- Takes forever to use lint roller
- Wine gets short-pour at restaurant
After 8 bodies found in Cancun, State Department issued a traveling warning to any Americans who may beheading to Mexico.
Pfizer launched pumpkin-spice Viagra to help grow lagging sales.
Russians hacked fantasy football teams across America – making Yakov Smirnoff starting quarterback.
Man pecked to death at chicken farm, police suspected fowl play.
Eddie Murphy revealed he was expecting 10thchild, surpassing the number of people who’d seen “The Adventures of Pluto Nash.”
ABC revealed Roseanne’s character would be killed off by rifleman Chuck Connors.
New study revealed 1 in 50 people found love on an airplane - and 50 in 50 found a reason not to have children.
Man had finger bitten off during brawl at Massachusetts golf course, then tried to flip attacker the birdie.
Aretha Franklin left no will or trust, prompting Prince’s family to begin fighting over the estate.
Robin Thicke’s girlfriend held up sonogram of baby but left fans guessing because of blurred lines.
Bill Cosby announced his latest project: “Leavenworth Part 6”
FBI recovered Dorthy’s stolen ruby slippers after thief tried to return them to DSW Warehouse.
U2’s Bono suffered complete loss of voice in Berlin forcing cancellation. After show, he had no comment.
PC Magazine revealed the most popular dating app during the Spanish Inquisition was Christian No-Mingle.
After interest rates spike, kids on Vermont beach were seen making subsidized sandcastles.
Charlie Sheen celebrated his birthday by drinking Pumpkin-Spice Tiger Blood.
Critics hailed Dennis Quaid’s performance in new movie “Esurance.”
FBI investigation revealed Kavanaugh skipped school, sang “Danke Schoen” on a parade float, then impersonated Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago.
Eminem engaged in rap battle with Charlie the Tuna – dropped retaliation track “Gillshot.”
Tiger Woods won $3 million dollars, plus another $50 when Spaulding picked his nose.
New government report revealed price of F-35 military aircraft dropped to $89 million. Toilet seats remained steady at $725 per.
Mr. Whipple was fired from supermarket for squeezing the Charmin.
Notorious gangster James ‘Whitey’ Bulger found dead, then transferred to a minimum-security prison.
Man bitten by baby rhino at Cincinnati zoo, claimed he thought he was petting a fat unicorn.
Man arrested for sneaking alcohol into movie theater in son’s sippy cup, also had Gerber jar filled with maraschino cherries.
Houston banned brothel for robots, forcing the closure of ‘The Best Little HAL House in Texas.”
Kanye tried to make America great again by getting Lindsey Buckingham back into Fleetwood Mac.
Man who played Big Bird for 50 years retired, then learned Medicare does not cover Avian Influenza.
Toddler goes through baggage X-ray machine – security officials give him ‘all clear’ to travel.
School cook who served kangaroo meat in chili loses job after parents become hopping mad.
Neil Armstrong’s flight suit sells for #109,375 at auction, even though it had two missing buttons and was stained with Tang.
Campaign fundraising for the midterms tops 5.6 billion – and that was just for the lawn signs in Russia.
Proposal 6 passed in California: The legalization of the man bun.
Prince Charles broke a tooth on his birthday, royal dentist refused to give him crown.
NASA’s probe landed on Mars, luggage accidentally sent to Venus.
Sylvester Stallone released new movie: “Greed ll”
Inmate captured at IHOP after escaping jail, said he thought he was at the Waffle Safe House.
Petco to stop selling dog food with artificial ingredients, including top seller Purina Chunky Cherry Garcia Marshmallow Blend Kibble & Bits.
Amazon revealed new headquarters will be located inside an IKEA in Columbus, Ohio.
Justin Bieber confirmed he got married, but had no room left on his arm to tattoo her name.
Phil and Tiger agreed to match at a Putt Putt Golf Course with live animals.
Ariana & Pete covered up tattoos with black heart proclaiming, “Why couldn’t we be more like Gwen and Blake.”
Authorities reported slain missionary went to island to borrow money from Thurston Howell, lll.
Andrew Dice Clay formally apologized to Mother Goose – will be allowed to host Oscars.
Charlie Sheen paid off $347 worth of layaway items at a Kalamazoo Lover’s Lane.
Kentucky man charged with throwing Christmas ham at woman as argument spiraled out of control.
Marriott data breach revealed hackers stole names, reservation dates, passport numbers, and pillow mints.
Fans petition for Pete Rose to be nominated in Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, claiming he has a lot of great hits.
Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year: Toxic. Also used to describe Burger King’s 10 Chicken Nuggets for $1.
Sammy Hagar announced he could drive 55.
Twisted Sister decided to take it.
CDC recalls mistletoe after E. Coli outbreak, recommends standing under kale, spinach, arugula or bok choy - results may vary.
This month in history, December 26, 1776: Washington crossed the Delaware River to attack British forces and return a Christmas tie to a Trenton, New Jersey T.J. Maxx.
San Quentin escapee captured at Taco Bell, claimed he was only trying the clink outside the bun.
14-pound baby was born in Texas hospital – stork says it was a jaw-dropping experience.
Ray Liotta’s revealed his new year’s resolution was to wean himself off of CHANTIX.
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