Monday, August 17, 2015

Prince William and Kate Middleton Adopt Honey Boo Boo


Note: Originally published on absrdcomedy.com.  Check out more hilarious parody news stories.

In a move that caught royal watchers off-guard, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge announced they adopted reality child star, Honey Boo Boo.

The couple decided to take in the former beauty pageant contestant after a plea from parent Mama June.

“My baby keeps begging to live in a castle,” June reportedly told Kate, “I just can’t provide an adequately lifestyle.”

The Duchess apparently decided the former beauty pageant contestant would be a perfect addition to the monarchy.

“She’s accustomed to the cameras,” Kate said, “and I loved her show, especially when she bobbed for hot dogs in eggnog.”

 Tabloid reporter, Eunice Bratwistle, was stunned by the announcement.

“Sure Kate wants a big family, but I’m not sure England is ready for royal vajiggle jaggle.”

When asked about Honey Boo Boo’s fashion sense, Bratwistle was steadfast.

“It’s nothing a pair of Spanx couldn’t fix.”

Upon arriving at her new home at Kensington Palace, Honey Boo Boo was her feisty self, twerking to make the Royal Guard laugh.

“This is fun,” she told the soldier, “Later on we’ll play “Guess Whose Breath?”

The star immediately became a big sister to one of the most famous babies in the world, 18-month-old Prince George. 

“I don’t trust him,” Honey Boo Boo revealed, “He looks like the kid from ‘The Omen”, I’m totally creeped.”

Royal historian, Nigel Nippleton, details how Honey Boo’s adoption changes the order of succession to the British throne.

“Of course, Prince Charles follows Queen Elizabeth.  After that it’s Prince William, Prince George and Prince Harry.  Then hold on to your knickers, Honey Boo Boo takes over.”

When asked what she would do if she were queen, Honey Boo lit up.

“I’d cut me some coupons and then go shopping for cheese balls in a limo.”

Prince Charles was perturbed upon hearing the news and immediately began beating himself in the head with a polo mallet.

“He’s at the end of his tether,” Camilla said when a valet tried to disarm him, “But he’ll be alright after a Skinnygirl cocktail and nap.”  

Texas Cold Case Unit Reopens “Who Shot J.R.?”


Note: Originally published on absrdcomedy.com.  Check out more hilarious parody news stories.

Rookie Detective Zachary Mellon thought he was reading about a real-life felony when he stumbled across the shooting of oil tycoon J.R. Ewing.

Sifting through press clippings of unsolved crimes, the cold case investigator was unaware the article was from the 80’s TV show “Dallas,” and unwittingly reopened the case.

“It bothered me that no one was prosecuted,” Mellon said, “He wasn’t the nicest guy, from what I could tell, but he didn’t deserve to get popped like that.”

Mellon’s partner, Joss Bradner, also unfamiliar with the popular primetime soap opera, agreed the
case should be reopened.

“I thought Zach was on to something,” Bradner said, “J.R.’s wife, Sue Ellen was jailed, but then release for lack of evidence.  Someone should be held accountable.”

The two detectives drove around greater Dallas for a few days trying to interview witnesses, but kept hitting dead ends.

“People just kind of looked at us funny,” Zack said, “Like we were crazy or something.”

The investigation was halted after precinct commander, Captain Drake Wasont, was informed.

“I couldn’t believe these two nitwits were trying to find out who shot J.R.,” Wasont said,  “I didn’t know whether to suspend them or buy them the complete series box set on Amazon.”

When asked about the incident, Mellon downplayed the mistake.

“I did feel kind of silly when I found out it was just a TV show, “ Mellon said, “but no harm was done.”

When asked if he ever found out who shot J.R., the detective laughed.

 “Everyone knows it was Kristin Shepard, J.R.’s sister-in-law.  Right?”

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Top 3 Things To Say At A High School Graduation Party



As you make the rounds at high school graduation parties, poking over the three-bean dip under a rented tent, you may have the unfortunate experience of coming face to face with the college-bound honoree.

What do you say?



“How bout those Mumford & Sons, they rock, huh.”

No.  You’re not cool.

Instead offer the young optimist some guidance.  Be concise and quick, as the youngster may have a long night of celebration and debauchery ahead.

Following is a list of advice I’ve prepared in hopes enlightening the graduate.  Feel free to borrow if necessary.

Pick A “Pocket Protector” Career

This is a no brainer.  Tell the graduate to choose a job that requires the use of a pocket protector.

This simple advice may immediately point the student in the direction of an engineer, computer programmer, or scientist.

At the same time, dissuade him or her from becoming a professional wrestler. 

The graduate may stare at you blankly, but will thank you years from now when their job doesn’t entail getting smashed over the head with a stool during a cage match.

Even if college isn’t in their future, suggest a pocket protector anyway.  People may think they’re smart.

And that’s half the battle.

Create Oddball Facebook Alias

College is fun.  Heck, real fun. 

But it’s important to keep the fun times private.  As well as your identity.  

Potential employers may search social media to check the behavior of new hires.  And they might not want their next employee of the month to be the “best dang beer pong player on the Carnival Fantasy.”

So tell the high school alumnus to ditch their real Facebook name.   And the sooner the better. 

A new name may then be created to throw snoopy employers off the trail.

Be creative.  Possible aliases include:

Don Coleone
Salamander F.
Hitchcock III
Brussel S. Prout

Note: if their Facebook page is dedicated to their work with Leader Dogs for the Blind, stay the course.

Get a Grip

What they may not teach in high school is the importance of a firm handshake.   In fact, with the proliferation of fist pumping, the graduate may have never shaken hands.   

Test this hypothesis by extending your palm face-in toward the graduate and count to three.  If you’re met with confusion, it’s time to explain the value of this once preferred custom.

A firm handshake projects confidence and trust.  A weak handshake, or “wet fish” projects weakness. 

If time allows, demonstrate the greeting using role-playing.

“Hello,” you should say, while offering your palm, “I’m so and so.”

If nothing else, the graduate will shake your hand quickly, and move hurriedly on to other guests.

And you can get back to the buffet table.