Thursday, August 18, 2016

Rio Olympics Reality Check: A-to-Z

 A – Athletes Dropping Out
B – Bacteria in Guanabara Bay

C – Crocodiles on Golf Course

D – Dangerous Winds
E – Empty Seats

F – Fatalities from Crime

G – Gun Battles in Costal Water

H – Hostage-Taking Policemen

I -   Impeachment of President Dilma Rousseff

J –  Just “Keep Your Mouth Closed” While Swimming

K – Kidnapped Athletes

L – Lethargic Ticket Sales

M – Mutilated Bodies Washing Ashore

N – No Paychecks for Police

O – Outrageous Accommodations

P -  Political Dysfunction

Q – Quietly Suffering Locals

 - Russian Doping Scandal

S  – Swimmers Robbed At Gunpoint

T – Traffic Gridlock

U – Unclean Water

V – Violence in Streets
W – “Welcome to Hell” Airport Sign

X – X-Games Hosted by Minneapolis Next Year 

Y – Yikes! Let’s forget about the:

Z – Zika Virus
Rio Olympics 2016 - A New World

Saturday, July 2, 2016

How to Eat Corn on the Cob and Not End Up in the Hospital

As the summer barbecue season marches on, many will find an item on their dish that has become a classic American side - corn on the cob. This treat is viewed as a harmless compliment to potato salad, deviled eggs, and three-bean dip.

Don't be fooled.

Extreme heat, spiked utensils, and hasty consumption all create a perfect storm when eating corn on the cob.  If your host ignores these hazards and decides to serve this reckless side dish, it’s up to you to know and avoid the dangers.
Clear and Present Danger
Oftentimes the corn arrives at your plate straight from the grill and wrapped in aluminum foil. Freeing the cob from this blistering metal cocoon in itself becomes hazardous. Your natural reaction is to grasp the foil with your fingertips.
Stop!  Your bare digits are not heat resistant and will blister.
Complaining about your burns will be universally ignored, except for a few chuckles from those who take pleasure in such things.  
You will be left on your own to sooth the pain, most likely with a can of cold beer or an ice cube from an unattended drink.
A much safer way to uncover the cob is to stab at the foil with your knife and fork. Poke at the foil. Peel it away. Relentlessly attack until it is ready to tap out.
The best defense is a good offense.
The Approach
The next step toward ingestion is getting the cob to your mouth. Easier said than done. Corn on the cob is one of those rare food items that is neither eaten with utensils nor directly picked up by hand.
The item of choice to get the corn to your mouth is the skewer - sharp, steel, needle-like holders. Your job is to inject each end of the cob like a junkie on heroine.
Sometimes it takes two or three pokes before you find the "sweet" spot.
Be patient and get it right. Nothing is more dangerous than lifting the cob to your mouth with two pointed rods that are only minimally secure. 
If the skewer does pop from the core and jab you in the cheek, your fate may be put in the hands of a 911 dispatcher, who may or may not take your call seriously.
The Chomp
If you're lucky enough to get the corn up to your mouth, your first inclination is to immediately bite down. But not so fast.  
Ask yourself: Do I have braces?
If so, gnashing the corn could turn your mouth into a mess of twisted metal similar to a foggy pile-up on I-95 in South Florida.
For the rest of us, we have the "all clear."
Chewing into the cob is the least dangerous part of the process, however, it is not without risk. A hasty, powerful jaw motion combined with buttery rows of maize may cause you to mistime your bite and rip into your cheek or tongue.
Go slow to avoid this outcome. Nothing is worse than a gorgeous day spent in an emergency room next to an inebriated yahoo who caught his beard on fire with a sparkler
Follow these simple precautions and there is no reason why you can't enjoy a delicious ear of corn.

As with eating any meal, common sense is the key.

Use some.


I selected this post to be featured on my blog’s page at Humor Blogs.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Top 3 Things To Say At A High School Graduation Party

As you make the rounds at high school graduation parties, poking over the three-bean dip under a rented tent, you may have the unfortunate experience of coming face to face with the college-bound honoree.

What do you say?

“How 'bout that new Drake tune, it rocks.”

No.  You’re not cool.

Instead offer the young optimist some guidance.  

Be concise and quick, as the youngster may have a long night of celebration and debauchery ahead.

Following is a list of advice that may enlighten the graduate. 

Pick A “Pocket Protector” Career

This is a no brainer.  Tell the graduate to choose a job that requires the use of a pocket protector.

This simple advice may immediately point the student in the direction of an engineer, computer programmer, or scientist.

At the same time, dissuade him or her from becoming a professional wrestler. 

The graduate may stare at you blankly, but will thank you years from now when their job doesn’t entail getting smashed over the head with a stool.

Even if college isn’t in their future, suggest a pocket protector anyway.  People will think they’re intelligent.

And that’s half the battle.

Create An Oddball Social Media Alias

College is fun.  Heck, real fun. 

But it’s important to keep the fun times private.  As well as your identity.  

Employers searching social media may not want their next hire to be the “King of Beer Pong" on the Carnival Fantasy.

So tell the high school alumnus to ditch their real Facebook name and create a new identity to throw snoopy employers off the trail.

Be creative.  Possible aliases include:

Don Corleone
Salamander F.
Hitchcock III
Brussel S. Prout

Get a Grip

What they may not teach in high school is the importance of a firm handshake.   In fact, with the proliferation of fist pumping, the graduate may have never shaken hands.   

Test this hypothesis by extending your palm face-in toward the graduate and count to three.  If you’re met with confusion, it’s time to explain the value of this once preferred custom.

A firm handshake projects confidence and trust.  A weak handshake, or “wet fish” projects weakness. 

If time allows, demonstrate the greeting using role-playing.

“Hello,” you should say, while offering your palm, “I’m so and so.”

If nothing else, the graduate will shake your hand quickly, and move hurriedly on to other guests.

And you can get back to the buffet table.