Saturday, May 20, 2017

Top 3 Looney Tunes Characters for Graduation Speeches


Bored.  Hot.  Irritated. 

That’s how college graduates feel sitting through their commencement ceremony.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.  If you’re in charge of picking the speaker, skip the overpaid celebrities and business leaders. 

Choose a Looney Tunes character. 

Following are the top three that will make graduation memorable.

Tasmanian Devil

Don’t let the Tasmanian Devil’s LinkedIn profile scare you.

Sure, he’s “A strong, murderous beast with jaws as powerful as a steel trap,” but he’s also an enthusiastic speaker with quick to-the-point messaging.

The energetic marsupial will hit the stage like a mini-tornado, twirling spastically.  Everyone from the oldest grandparent to the fussiest toddler will be transfixed as members of the dais scramble for safety.

At the podium, the Tasmanian Devil’s speech will be brief, but emotional.

“Congrats!” “Ambition!” “Persevere!” will be shouted in a growly staccato.

Before they know it, the grads will be out in the parking lot throwing their mortarboards like Frisbees.

Note: One drawback might be the backstage rider, as his food request includes an ample supply of  “tigers, elephants, buffalo, donkeys, giraffes, moose, ducks … and rabbits.”

Yosemite Sam

“Listen up, you muley-headed mavericks.  I’m gonna tell ya how it is!”

So will begin Yosemite Sam’s motivational rant.

The gunslinger will draw his six-shooters and fire a dozen rounds in the air. 

“Rid the world of varmints!  Make somethin’ of yerselves!”

The class will learn much from the self-proclaimed “roughest, toughest, root’nest, toot’nest commencement speaker west of the Pecos.”

His booming voice and fiery rhetoric, however, may come at a price.
  
Last year, Yosemite accidently shot a tuba player as the band performed  “Pomp and Circumstance.”

Foghorn Leghorn

For over-the-top orations, look no further than Foghorn Leghorn.

This overbearing rooster will walk on stage with a lighted stick of dynamite and “KaBoom,” blow the plumage clean off his body.

“Fortunately,” he’ll say nonchalantly, “I keep my feathers numbered, for, for just such an emergency.”

After grabbing your attention, Leghorn will mosh-pit dive into the audience, and work the crowd like Don Rickles.

“You look so dumb, boy, I bet you think a Mexican border pays rent.”

“Look!  This kid’s about as sharp as a pound of wet liver!”

And if the crowd starts to turn, he’ll shrug off his comments as friendly mirth.

“That’s a joke, ah say, that’s a joke.”

Leghorn will end his speech by paddling Barnyard Dog.

So there you have it.  Three Looney Tunes characters to speak at graduation. 

If they’re busy, you might be able to get Marvin the Martian.  Just pray he leaves the “Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator” at home.


Thursday, February 2, 2017

Groundhog Day: Could Steroids Boost Punxsutawney Phil?


As pressure increases to look better and be bigger, many celebrities turn to performance enhancing drugs.
With Groundhog Day upon us, one can't help but wonder if Punxsutawney Phil may also decide to hit the juice.
Can you blame him? With the cameras rolling and millions of eyes watching, who wouldn't want to perform at the highest potential?
Unfortunately, PEDs may be bad option. Steroid usage may cause a plethora of side effects. Most of which may lead to an unflattering profile on "TMZ."
Let's review how PED usage could hurt the famous rodent. 
Baldness
One of the main side effects of steroids is hair loss. Imagine the terror on a child's face if the groundhog emerged from his burrow looking like a shaved pig.
"Get 'em!" Timmy would say, reaching for a log, "Let's play Whac-A-Mole."
Instead of the groundhog predicting winter duration, he'd have to dodge a hyperactive kid who's had one too many juice boxes.
Obamacare may or may not cover the CAT scan.
Depression
Psychiatric disorders, such as depression, are another possible result of steroid use.
The groundhog could be so despondent he refuses to exit the hole.
"Come out!" his agent may yell into the dirt cavity, "Everyone's waiting!"
"Not until you get me a hairpiece!"
Next thing you know he'll be sporting a bad toupee on the cover of People, right next to Justin Bieber's haircut.
Aggression
The groundhog, by nature, appears to be passive. He waddles out, poses for the camera, and is done for the year.
I'm sure he'd sign a few autographs if he could hold a Sharpie.
That may change if he's juiced up.
Envision a vicious rodent with retracted claws scratching out the eyes of a tourist from Oshkosh, Wisconsin.
The only shadow cast may be by police car headlights.
Sure security could be hired. But do you really want to pay someone to stand around with pepper spray "just in case."
So there you have it.
Several unpleasant consequences the groundhog may encounter if hopped up on steroids.
Happy Groundhog Day!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Top 3 Reasons Obamacare Should Be Replaced By The Magic 8 Ball


Affordable

One of the biggest criticisms of Obamacare is the high cost of premiums, which could run a family of 4 up to $300,000.  Or so it seems.

The Magic 8 Ball would be significantly lower.   A recent price check on Amazon pegged the fortune-telling device at $4.99, less than a bottle of Vicks VapoRub.

Purchasers would incur a one-time fee.  No monthly payments.  No out-of-pocket expenses.  No choosing between medical care and lotto tickets.

And the plastic orb has been known to last for over 30 years.

Easy To Use

The Magic 8 Ball would be a convenient, straightforward device for the whole family.   You would simply:

1.  Ask a “yes-no” health question
2.  Shake the sphere
3.  Read the answer as it appears in the window

Gone would be the need to verify coverage, confirm copays, and investigate doctors who received medical degrees in the Bahamas.

Children could even use the device without adult supervision, much like the Easy- Bake Oven.

Accurate

The Magic 8 Ball would reveal good-faith statements that are affirmative, negative, or non-committal. 

Although not 100% accurate, designers point out that no health provider is correct all the time.

“We strive for 60%,” claimed Dr. Hank Wessels, lead developer, “and we usually fall with the standard deviation of the means.”

However practical, the Magic 8 Ball would only work for basic care.


Individuals with more complex ailments would be referred to a tarot card reader.

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Wednesday, January 11, 2017

GoFundMe – Noah’s Ark / circa 3500 BC


The Goal – $536

I’m attempting to build an ark (large ship) on which two of all living creatures, both male and female, may be housed. 

That means two giraffes, two lions, two muskrats, etc.  (Although I am refusing to bring along the Labradoodle.)

A higher authority has given me detailed construction specifications. 

The vessel will be made of gopher wood, have three levels, and sport several internal compartments.  If additional money is raised, I’d like to add a chocolate fountain and disco on the lido deck.

The ark will be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high - about the same size as my uncle’s new store, IKEA, just south of the city.

The Reason

I have it on good authority it will be raining for 40 days and 40 nights.  The ark will save the world’s animal population.  Except for the Labradoodle.

Believe me, I hope the weather reports aren’t true, as I’d rather be tinkering with my chariot or sunbathing in Mesopotamia.

Will it rain?  Time will tell. 

But why take the chance.

Why Your Support Is Needed

As an architectural engineer and shipbuilder, I’ve made a decent living, but certainly have not the means to bankroll a vessel of this magnitude.

The instructions to build an ark are already putting a strain on my family budget, as I was unable to take the kids out to eat at the Olive Garden of Eden.

The money will be used for supplies, labor, and beer.

What do I get for donating?

Pledge $5: My eternal gratitude
Pledge $10: My eternal gratitude and an autograph.
Pledge $50: Gratitude, autograph, and commemorative umbrella
Pledge $75: Spot on the boat
Pledge $100: Spot on the boat with ocean view.

Thank you in advance.

Noah



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Thursday, January 5, 2017

Trump Reveals Star-Studded List of Holograms to Perform at Inauguration.


Donald Trump released a list of holograms scheduled to perform at the inauguration ceremony.
The three-dimensional images were chosen after several high-caliber singers turned down invitations.
The laser-light participants include:
Elvis Presley
“The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll” will sing a greatest-hits medley to kick-off the festivities.
Trump reportedly paid $100,000 to have the imaged slimmed down after a portly “Vegas Elvis” was accidently programmed.
“I’d prefer a skinny Elvis” Trump told technicians, “and can you have his cape read ‘Make America Great Again.’”
Queen
Trump initially thought Elizabeth ll would be appearing at the ceremony.
“The British love me,” read one tweet, “great international support.”
Upon learning Queen was a flamboyant rock band, Trump feigned a smile and gave his signature thumbs-up.
Moments later on a hot mic he was overheard asking, “What’s a Bohemian Rhapsody?”
Eminem
Hip-hop sensation Eminem will challenge Mr. Trump to a rap battle.
The two men will go head-to-head with members of the House and Senate voting for their favorite insults.
When asked if he was afraid of the Eminem’s rhymes, Trump shrugged.
“He’s just a laser, my rhymes cut like a razor.”
Slipknot
Heavy metal band Slipknot will take the stage, even though Trump is unfamiliar with their music.
“I’ve never heard of them,” he told one reporter, “but I’m sure they’re huuuge.”
The group is a favorite among suburban working-class voters who stood with Trump, but organizers admit the band’s chaotic style may have limited appeal.
“No worries,” said staffer Katie Borrows, “non-fans can go to the lobby and buy a t-shirt.”
Captain and Tennille
Legendary pop duo Captain and Tennille were chosen to close the show.
“No concert would be complete,” Trump said, “without having someone who served the military.”
As of this writing, “Captain” Daryl Dragon is not thought to have had any official military background.
The couple divorced in 2014, but the magic of laser will allow them to perform their hit, “Love Will Keep Us Together.”


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Monday, January 2, 2017

Top 5 Mind-Boggling Predictions of 2017


Trump Shoots Vladimir Putin in Duel

After initial admiration wanes, Donald Trump challenges the Russian president to a duel.  

The men meet in a neutral location on a Swiss mountain.

Prior to commencement, Trump’s pistol misfires and accidently grazes the Soviet leader.

A stunned Putin cries foul and demands Trump pay for his dry cleaning.

Afterward, the two world leaders meet at the Craft service table and split a chocolate gateau.

Batman Vs. Porky Pig

With superhero villains running scarce, Warner Bros. Pictures releases Batman vs. Porky Pig.

The Caped Crusader underestimates the Looney Tunes pig, who attacks with the ferociousness of a wild boar.

The climatic battle finds Batman being gored by the squealing, maniacal swine.

Who wins?

The box office.

Cowboys Lose Super Bowl After Ill-Timed Mannequin Challenge

With the game on the line against New England Patriots, the Dallas Cowboys opt to do a Mannequin Challenge.

Quarterback Tom Brady realizes the defensive line has frozen in place, at which point he tiptoes into the end zone.

The Patriots win 35-34, after which the Cowboys protest the game, claiming New England had agreed to participate in the viral Internet video.

The NFL plans to thoroughly investigate the incident.

Bernie Sanders Awes Paris Fashion Show With Dress Sock Collection

Ex-Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders puts his name on a line of dress socks with diamond-studded leg suspenders.

The combination is a surprise hit during Paris Fashion Week and catapults the junior United States Senator from Vermont into the fashion spotlight.

Knockoff pieces show up on shelves at T.J. Maxx as the public flocks to buy the footwear ensemble.

All proceeds are donated to a scholarship fund for street mimes.

Kim Kardashian Abducted by Aliens

TMZ reports Kim Kardashian has been taken to an unidentified aircraft by space creatures.

The socialite confirms the abduction via Twitter and announces a reality show based on her capture.

USA Network broadcasts the summer-long ordeal that reveals extraterrestrials are a fun-loving lot.  No more so when they open the hatch and shoot a T-Shirt gun at star-struck fans gazing up from earth.