Saturday, June 6, 2015

Top 3 Things To Say At A High School Graduation Party

As you make the rounds at high school graduation parties, poking over the three-bean dip under a rented tent, you may have the unfortunate experience of coming face to face with the college-bound honoree.

What do you say?

“How bout those Mumford & Sons, they rock, huh.”

No.  You’re not cool.

Instead offer the young optimist some guidance.  Be concise and quick, as the youngster may have a long night of celebration and debauchery ahead.

Following is a list of advice I’ve prepared in hopes enlightening the graduate.  Feel free to borrow if necessary.

Pick A “Pocket Protector” Career

This is a no brainer.  Tell the graduate to choose a job that requires the use of a pocket protector.

This simple advice may immediately point the student in the direction of an engineer, computer programmer, or scientist.

At the same time, dissuade him or her from becoming a professional wrestler. 

The graduate may stare at you blankly, but will thank you years from now when their job doesn’t entail getting smashed over the head with a stool during a cage match.

Even if college isn’t in their future, suggest a pocket protector anyway.  People may think they’re smart.

And that’s half the battle.

Create Oddball Facebook Alias

College is fun.  Heck, real fun. 

But it’s important to keep the fun times private.  As well as your identity.  

Potential employers may search social media to check the behavior of new hires.  And they might not want their next employee of the month to be the “best dang beer pong player on the Carnival Fantasy.”

So tell the high school alumnus to ditch their real Facebook name.   And the sooner the better. 

A new name may then be created to throw snoopy employers off the trail.

Be creative.  Possible aliases include:

Don Coleone
Salamander F.
Hitchcock III
Brussel S. Prout

Note: if their Facebook page is dedicated to their work with Leader Dogs for the Blind, stay the course.

Get a Grip

What they may not teach in high school is the importance of a firm handshake.   In fact, with the proliferation of fist pumping, the graduate may have never shaken hands.   

Test this hypothesis by extending your palm face-in toward the graduate and count to three.  If you’re met with confusion, it’s time to explain the value of this once preferred custom.

A firm handshake projects confidence and trust.  A weak handshake, or “wet fish” projects weakness. 

If time allows, demonstrate the greeting using role-playing.

“Hello,” you should say, while offering your palm, “I’m so and so.”

If nothing else, the graduate will shake your hand quickly, and move hurriedly on to other guests.

And you can get back to the buffet table.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Comedy Central @Midnight Recap #HashtagWars - September 29 - October 2, 2014

You've been lucky enough to discover my tweets for Comedy Central's @midnight Hashtag War 

Sept. 29 - Oct. 2, 2014

September 29 - #LamerDuos
  • Sanford and Sons of Anarchy
  • Ozzy and Harriet
  • Adam Ant and Eve
  • Tweety and Sylvester Stallone
  • Felix and Oscar Pistorius
  • Puss 'n' Flip Flops
  • Sonny Corleone and Cher
  • Green Hornet and Kato Kaelin
  • Thelma and Louise Jefferson
September 30 – #MillenialTVShows
  • What's Appening
  • Murder She Tweeted
  • Gamer of Thrones
  • McHale's Old Navy
  • i-Troop
  • Bowling for Bitcoin
  • Lazy for You
  • The Angry Thorn Birds

October 1 – #WorseThanRoctober

  • Gleecember
  • HeeHawgust
  • May Aiken
  • BachTober

October 2 – #BadThemeParks

  • Oprahwood
  • Hoarder's Wharf
  • Weak Stream Waterpark
  • 12 Step Recovery Forest
  • Acne Landing
  • Santa's Union Workshop
  • Putin's Defector Playground

Monday, September 29, 2014

Collateral Wit: Week in Review September 21-27, 2014

For the Sophisticated Reader ...

A Recap of My Tweets                September 21 - 27, 2014

Starbucks is testing coffee that tastes like beer.  Beer is testing beer that tastes like beer.
Apple apologizes for leaving all vowels off of iPhone 6 keyboard.  Vows to fix the problem by Christmas.

Obama salutes Marine while holding a live kangaroo as he exits Air Force One. PITA outraged.

Derek Jeter hits walk-off single in final game at Yankee Stadium, then levitates around the bases.

Justin Beiber damages eardrum cliff diving, threatens to sue water for being too hard.

George Clooney files for divorce after new wife uses wrong toothbrush.