Sunday, March 2, 2014

Top 9 Whacky Plots for 2014 Oscar Nominees

Have you ever guessed the plot of a movie based on its title?  I have many times.  Often it’s easy.  “Jaws” is a good example. 

If the title is vague it’s more difficult.  That was the case with this year’s Academy Award best picture nominees.

Following are storylines I imagined could unfold based on each title.

American Hustle

Set in the 70s, a disbarred attorney claims to have discovered the fountain of youth.  People wearing bell-bottoms and mood rings are left penniless after paying to bathe in the magical pool.  All played to a Donna Summer soundtrack.

Captain Phillips

A submarine cook is thrust into command after the crew is sickened with salmonella.  Double crossing and distrust are key plot components, along with the edibility of the Alaskan king crab.

Dallas Buyer Club

When Costco comes to Texas, a local government rallies to lock the retail giant from its community.  Deceit, passion, rage, and jealousy propel the story, along with unbeatable pricing on Gold Toe socks.


Due to a freak cosmic shift in the moon, the Earth is left with zero gravity, forcing people to float randomly.  Mass chaos ensues, especially for a group waiting in line at the DMV in rural Kansas.


The bride of Frankenstein comes alive in a reboot of the film classic.  Humor and horror are intertwined, as the creature’s friends throw a bridal shower in the private room of Olive Garden.


The state, known for cattle grazing, is the first state to secede from the union and elect a king.  Taxes are raised to build an extravagant castle, highlighted with a chocolate fountain.  Revolt follows.


An airborne virus, discovered by Dr. Philomena, wreaks havoc in the U.S. when it causes senators to communicate by singing opera.

12 Years a Slave

After boarding the wrong flight to North Korea in the mid-1950s, a balloon folder from Minnesota spends a dozen years entertaining the ruling party.

The Wolf of Wall Street

A tense thriller unfolds in a New York office complex when a wild Canis lupus is discovered in the snack room of a hedge fund.  A heroic broker attempts to tame the beast by feeding it Cheetos.

How to Eat French Onion Soup With a Swiss Army Knife

Soup is typically a simple food to eat. The waiter provides a spoon. You provide the appetite.
But if you're confronted with French onion soup, a lone spoon may be insufficient.
You'll likely be faced with obstacles that include baked Gruyere cheese, a hearty layer of toasted bread, and lengthy onion slices.
What multifunctional tool can help in your campaign?
A Swiss Army knife!
This unique utensil can help cut, grab, lift, and scoop. And even uncork the wine if necessary.
Following are simple instructions.
Cheese Obstruction
The first stumbling block is a thick layer of melted Gruyere. The cheese not only covers the entire top of the bowl, but also drips defiantly over the rim.
If you're a novice, you may attempt to remove the cheese with your fingers by stretching it across the table until it snaps.
This maneuver has a low success rate. And can provoke dirty looks from anyone not sitting in a high chair.
Instead, use the scissors from your Swiss Army knife.
No need to get fancy, just jab the blade between the cheese and clip along as if it were wrapping paper.
People may stare, but you'll have the last laugh as you cut a perfect bite-sized morsel.
Toasted Bread Blockade
Once past the cheese, you're not out of the woods. You'll likely encounter toasted bread, normally French or Italian, floating on top of the soup.
You may attempt to work the spoon underneath the bread and lift it to your mouth. But that is a mistake.
The toasted circle is soggy and unmanageable.
Halfway to your mouth, the mess may slide from the spoon and do a belly flop back in the bowl, splashing onion muck all over your Ralph Lauren button down.
Instead, use the sharpest blade from your Swiss Army knife to cut bread into manageable pieces.
The bread may rise and fall and dance around the broth as you attack.
But keep your cool. You will prevail.
Onion Skirmish
Reaching the soup is no easy task and you are to be commended.
But now is not the time to slack off. Finishing the job is difficult due to the evasive nature of the onions.
Cut in lengthy strings and sitting in broth, the shaved bulbs may slip and slide off the spoon. Every bite may be devoid of the main ingredient, causing frustration.
But don't give up!
Remove the tweezers from the Swiss Army knife and regroup.
Using the pincers, grab the onion pieces from the broth and lift them into the spoon.
Then keep a steady hand. Relax. And manipulate the utensil to your mouth.
Congratulations! You've just eaten French onion soup.
Now, unfold the corkscrew, it's time to celebrate.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Winter Olympics: 3 Oddball Ways to Increase Popularity

Billions will watch the TV broadcast of the Winter Olympics 
in Sochi, making the affair almost as popular as "Duck Dynasty."
But not all events are equally loved. Ice hockey and figure skating attract large stadium crowds.
Other venues seem to draw lone spectators who wander in, hoping to snag a free wireless connection.
But all is not lost. With a little tweaking, many events may be made more exciting to watch.
Here are a few suggestions:
Curling Canine
Curling may be made immediately more exciting by adding dogs to the mix.
How so?
Dogs love to chase brooms!
I can't sweep my garage without my Lab grabbing at the whisk end and trying to bring me down.
The same will work at the Olympics. As the stone glides down the ice, release a Siberian Husky.
Watch the pooch seize the bristles and get in a tug of war with the sweeper. Pulling and tugging may cause the Olympian to take a bad spill and possibly incur an injury.
But when the winner hobbles to the podium to receive a metal, you'll know he or she earned it.
Luge Escape
You've all seen it. The sled hurls down the slope at light speed with the Olympian lying down, arms firmly at side, as if wearing a straight jacket.
How could this be more exciting?
Have the competitor wear an actual straight jacket. Audiences love a good escape artist.
The ride down the track could be thrilling to watch as the Olympian writhes and wriggles to gain freedom. If the bottom is reached without escape, points will be deducted.
And an unflattering tweet will undoubtedly be made.
Should the event gain popularity, handcuffs and a Chinese Water Torture Cell may be added.
Ice Dancing With The Fish
With the huge popularity of figure skating, ice dancing needs to set itself apart. 
Incorporating fishing into the mix may do the trick.
Small holes could be cut into the ice where participants drop in a line and get points for catching a northern pike, yellow perch, or bluegill.
Imagine the cheers when a competitor does a triple axel, then reels in a walleye.
It may introduce a whole new segment of people to the sport.
Who knows, the Winter Olympics may one day be more popular than "Duck Dynasty."
See you at the games!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Groundhog Day: Could Steroids Boost Punxsutawney Phil?

As pressure increases to look better and be bigger, many celebrities turn to performance enhancing drugs.
With Groundhog Day around the corner, one can't help but wonder if Punxsutawney Phil may also decide to hit the juice.
Can you blame him? With the cameras rolling and millions of eyes watching, who wouldn't want to perform at the highest potential?
Unfortunately, PEDs may be bad option. According to the Mayo Clinic, steroid usage may cause a plethora of side effects. Most of which may lead to an unflattering profile on "TMZ."
Let's review how PED usage could hurt the famous rodent. 
One of the main side effects of steroids is hair loss. Imagine the terror on a child's face if the groundhog emerged from his burrow looking like a shaved pig.
"Get 'em!" Timmy would say, reaching for a log, "Let's play Whac-A-Mole."
Instead of the groundhog predicting winter duration, he'd have to dodge a hyperactive kid who's had one too many juice boxes.
Obamacare may or may not cover the CAT scan.
Psychiatric disorders, such as depression, are another possible result of steroid use.
The groundhog could be so despondent he refuses to exit the hole.
"Come out!" his agent may yell into the dirt cavity, "Everyone's waiting!"
"Not until you get me a hairpiece!"
Next thing you know he'll be sporting a bad toupee on the cover of People, right next to Justin Bieber's mugshot.
The groundhog, by nature, appears to be passive. He waddles out, poses for the camera, and is done for the year.
I'm sure he'd sign a few autographs if he could hold a Sharpie.
That may change if he's juiced up.
Envision a vicious rodent with retracted claws scratching out the eyes of a tourist from Oshkosh, Wisconsin.
The only shadow cast may be by police car headlights.
Sure security could be hired. But do you really want to pay someone to stand around with pepper spray "just in case."
So there you have it.
Several unpleasant consequences the groundhog may encounter if hopped up on steroids.
Not to mention he could be suspended until 2016.
Happy Groundhog Day!