Sunday, February 11, 2018

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News February 4, 2018 - February 10, 2018

Robert Wagner was named ‘person of interest’ in Natalie Wood’s drowning death after DNA evidence revealed he was 30% Norwegian, 10% German, and 60% Guilty.
L.L. Bean canceled its lifetime return policy after a Pilgrim tried to return a hat buckle.
Joe Kennedy applied too much lip balm during his speech spurring rumors of another ChapStickquiddick.

After hearing Dunkin’ Donuts will eliminate foam cups by 2020, McDonald’s revealed it will stop making foam McNuggets by 2025.
Kid who took Super Bowl halftime selfie with Justin Timberland sued Pepsi for a “crappy 15 minutes of fame.” 
Norovirus spread through the Olympic Village causing officials to change the event from Curling to Hurling.

A Girl Scout from California sold 300 boxes of cookies outside a pot shop, the most popular being the TagaBongs.
U.S. stock market lost more than $3 trillion, but consumers rested easy knowing their Dominos carry-out pizza was insured.  

Amazon teamed up with other corporate giants to form a healthcare company that will offer EchoCardiograms.

During State of the Union Address, Trump took credit for Liberating Paris.
Also promised to remove ‘From Justin to Kelly’ from Netflix.
The temperature at the Winter Olympics was so cold the ice dancers decided not to shave their legs.

Justin Timberlake performed at the Olympic Opening Ceremony, then fell while attempting a Triple Axel Booty Pop.
‘North Korea invited South Korea’s president to visit, but demanded he bring a dish to pass.
Olympic skier Al Pine admitted he only made the team because of his name and had never actually seen snow.

Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight

Top 3 Oddball Ways To Increase Viewership At The PyeongChang Olympic Winter Games

TV viewership at the PyeongChang 2018 Olympic Winter Games is down.
But not all is lost. With a little tweaking, many events may be made more exciting to watch.
Here are a few suggestions:

Curling Canine
Curling may be made immediately more exciting by adding dogs to the mix.
How so?
Dogs love to chase brooms!
I can't sweep my garage without my Lab grabbing at the whisk end and trying to bring me down.
The same will work at the Olympics. As the stone glides down the ice, release a Siberian Husky.
Watch the pooch seize the bristles and get in a tug of war with the sweeper. Pulling and tugging may cause the Olympian to take a bad spill and possibly incur an injury.
But when the winner hobbles to the podium to receive a metal, you'll know he or she earned it.
Luge Escape
You've all seen it. The sled hurls down the slope at light speed with the Olympian lying down, arms firmly at side, as if wearing a straight jacket.
How could this be more exciting?
Have the competitor wear an actual straight jacket. Audiences love a good escape artist.
The ride down the track could be thrilling to watch as the Olympian writhes and wriggles to gain freedom. If the bottom is reached without escape, points will be deducted.
And an unflattering tweet will undoubtedly be made.
Should the event gain popularity, handcuffs and a Chinese Water Torture Cell may be added.
Ice Dancing With The Fish
With the huge popularity of figure skating, ice dancing needs to set itself apart. 
Incorporating fishing into the mix may do the trick.
Small holes could be cut into the ice where participants drop in a line and get points for catching a pike, yellow perch, or whatever local fish may be circling about.
Imagine the cheers when a competitor does a triple axel, then reels in a Sturgeon.
It may introduce a whole new segment of people to the sport.

See you at the games!

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News January 21, 2018 - January 27, 2018

Campbell Soup to close Toronto plant, workers to be canned.
Beer sales in the U.S. declined in 2017 as Millennials switched to wine, melted snowflakes, and unicorn tears.
Mort Walker, creator of ‘Beetle Bailey,’ died at 94, details remained sketchy.

Amazon to open store with no checkout lines, if you shoplift they’ll lock you up behind barcode.
Breaking Hollywood:  Jumanji hippo reportedly trashed bathroom at SAG awards.
After Tsunami warning, Californians rushed to marijuana groves in search of higher ground.

Oscar nominations revealed:  ‘The Shape of Three Billboards’ selected for all categories.
Deporting DREAMers is an outlandish idea,
S. Korea called for N. Korea to suspend military parade, this after Charlie Brown float already fitted with Kim Jong-un hairpiece.
Discovery Channel storm chaser Joel Taylor died at 38, funnel services to be held Saturday.  Weather permitting.
Murphy Brown is returning to network TV.   Matt Lauer still unemployed.

David Copperfield accused of pulling a rabbit out of his pants.
93,000 pounds of Mardi Gras beads found in New Orleans storm drains, city issued flood warning.
Rain caused Paris’ Seine River to overflow, fashion analysts recommended wearing flood pants.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dead at 91, funeral services to be held at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
NFL Pro Bowl played in Orlando, oddsmakers expected players to give 35%.
Toys R Us to close 182, many to reopen as Depressed Baby Boomers R Us.
When asked about allegations of sexual misconduct, Steve Wynn said it was no big deal.  Then shuffled past reporters.  

Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight

Monday, January 22, 2018

Top 5 Ways Photoshop Is Better Than Cosmetic Surgery

Top 5 Ways Photoshop is Better Than Cosmetic Surgery

The desire to look our best has been around since the invention of the mirror, sometime around 1835 by a German scientist who was told he had spinach in his teeth.

With the rise of social media, people all over the world may see that image.

It’s no wonder the vain among us have contemplated cosmetic surgery.  Last year people who’ve “had a little work done’ spiked to over 17 million, not including taxidermy.

But before splurging on a buttock augmentation or tummy tuck, you may want to consider Photoshop.  The graphic-editing software offers many advantages over more invasive procedures.  Here are five:

Instant Results

Johnny Depp’s chiseled jaw may be a great idea, but you better have patience.  The recovery time for chin augmentation is longer than the director’s cut of “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

With Photoshop there’s no waiting. 

Just open your favorite JPEG and in the time it takes you to eat a box of Raisinets, you can slim your waist, bulk up your pecs, and smooth out those cankles.

You’ll be posting on Instagram quicker than you can say, “Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.”

All Gain - No Pain

Grab a brochure in any plastic surgeon’s office and you’ll likely find beautiful people smiling like they just won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse grand prize.

What they don’t show is the bruising, swelling and ice packs.

That’s because puffy eyes and stitches may deter folks from using a cosmetic surgery Groupon.

But Photoshop is as pain free as painting a picture.  You may suffer eyestrain or poor posture, but you won’t have to shuffle down the hallway with a morphine drip.

Sky’s The Limit

Unless you’re Mickey Rourke, you may have to limit your number of cosmetic procedures.

But with Photoshop you don’t have to choose between a nose job or breast enlargement.

The tool palette allows for a wide range of touch-ups.

Looking pale?  Slide the color adjustment bar to add magenta. 

Cursed with an unsightly mole?  Cover it up with the cloning function.

Dark circles?  Wrinkles?  Droopy eyelids?  All can be fixed with a few quick strokes.

Within minutes you’ll be ready for your close-up.  Take that Mr. DeMille.

What do you do if ear surgery leaves you looking like Dr. Spock from the original “Star Trek?”

Well oftentimes, it’s back to the cutting board.

And fixing the botched results may incur the same pain and recovery as the first go-around.

But Photoshop has an “undo” button.  No need to gas up the car and head back to the hospital.

Simply hit Control--Z and bam!  Those lobes can be made smooth and round.

Live long and prosper.


Cosmetic surgery is not cheap.  A face-lift or liposuction may drain your bank account quicker that a Bernie Madoff annuity.

But you shouldn’t have to borrow against your 401 (k) to look good.

Photoshop may be purchased on the cloud for only $9.99 per month.  About the cost of lunch at Panera (not include beverage.)

So there you have it. 

Start touching up those photos and show the world you’re a perfect 10.

Cue Ravel’s Bolero.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News January 14, 2018 - January 20, 2018

Eating Tide detergent became a dangerous fad, prompting McDonald’s to take laundry pods off their dollar menu.
Bid for paper cup allegedly used by Elvis hit $1,000; appraiser said that was not bad for a Solo artist.
After botched missile alert, Hawaii Emergency Agency hired Steve Harvey to announce future attacks.

Study revealed ‘hot’ yoga was no better for the heart than regular yoga, but both better than Cinnamon Roll Pilates.

Lead singer of the Cranberries died suddenly at 46, but there’s no need to bog you down with the details.
CVS banned photo manipulation for store beauty brands, but will allow Shaq to fake smile in Icy Hot back patch commercial.

Heroic firefighter caught child thrown from burning building, admitted to being relieved after dropping the last four.
Meteor hit the Pontiac Silverdome, structure reportedly still standing.
Man kicked off flight for wearing all his clothes to avoid baggage fee, luckily he had on parachute pants.

Science revealed that rats did no spread the Black Plague, but were still mainly responsible for shuttling down Ming’s Chop Suey.
2017 was second warmest year since 1880, both years recalled fondly by radio journalist Larry King.
Michael Douglas accused of sexual harassment by ex-employee who said the actor was inappropriately romancing the stone.

Kim Kardashian revealed new daughter’s name was Chicago, who will be forever grateful her father Kanye did not grow up in Albuquerque.
Delta tightened rules on comfort animals after giraffe seated in coach ate first class passenger’s salad.
$6 million in chips were stolen from Wynn casino, police still searching for suspects attempting to buy large amounts of salsa.

Britain appointed Minister of Loneliness to tackle health problems caused by isolation – new appointee to work remotely from home.
Student in yoga class who was posed as downward dog started foaming at the mouth, paramedics rushed in to help.
Famous profiles in literature #543:  It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, for a good time call on me after the revolution.
Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News January 07, 2018 - January 13, 2018

 Immigration officials raid 7-Eleven stores in crackdown, owners to be held gulpable. 
Warner Bros. announced remake of  Deliverance,” but with 4 millennial friends going to a water park before it closes.
Man charged with murder after killing his lover softly with his song.

Top 3 Items in Golden Globes swag bag:
  1. “Fire and Fury” audiobook read by Ferdinand.
  2. One-Year Subscription to Netflix
  3. “Battle of the Network Stars” dish towel

Jeff Bezos revealed as richest person in history, but still puts gold pants on one leg at a time.

Coca-Cola announced launch of four new Diet Coke flavors aimed at millennials, including Ginger Lime, Feisty Cherry, Zesty Blood Orange and Man Bun Mango.
US issued highest-level ‘do not travel’ warning to five Mexican states, including Margaritaville.

More bad news for death row inmates as lethal injection drugs determined “not covered” by insurance copay.
Walmart boosts minimum wage to $11 for all employees, except warehouse worker Chet Farkins who doesn’t deserve it.
Hawaii missile alert revealed to be false alarm – residents still at risk for falling coconuts.

Mary Mark to reshoot dance moves in “Good Vibrations” video for whopping #3 million.

Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight