Thursday, February 2, 2017

Groundhog Day: Could Steroids Boost Punxsutawney Phil?

As pressure increases to look better and be bigger, many celebrities turn to performance enhancing drugs.
With Groundhog Day upon us, one can't help but wonder if Punxsutawney Phil may also decide to hit the juice.
Can you blame him? With the cameras rolling and millions of eyes watching, who wouldn't want to perform at the highest potential?
Unfortunately, PEDs may be bad option. Steroid usage may cause a plethora of side effects. Most of which may lead to an unflattering profile on "TMZ."
Let's review how PED usage could hurt the famous rodent. 
One of the main side effects of steroids is hair loss. Imagine the terror on a child's face if the groundhog emerged from his burrow looking like a shaved pig.
"Get 'em!" Timmy would say, reaching for a log, "Let's play Whac-A-Mole."
Instead of the groundhog predicting winter duration, he'd have to dodge a hyperactive kid who's had one too many juice boxes.
Obamacare may or may not cover the CAT scan.
Psychiatric disorders, such as depression, are another possible result of steroid use.
The groundhog could be so despondent he refuses to exit the hole.
"Come out!" his agent may yell into the dirt cavity, "Everyone's waiting!"
"Not until you get me a hairpiece!"
Next thing you know he'll be sporting a bad toupee on the cover of People, right next to Justin Bieber's haircut.
The groundhog, by nature, appears to be passive. He waddles out, poses for the camera, and is done for the year.
I'm sure he'd sign a few autographs if he could hold a Sharpie.
That may change if he's juiced up.
Envision a vicious rodent with retracted claws scratching out the eyes of a tourist from Oshkosh, Wisconsin.
The only shadow cast may be by police car headlights.
Sure security could be hired. But do you really want to pay someone to stand around with pepper spray "just in case."
So there you have it.
Several unpleasant consequences the groundhog may encounter if hopped up on steroids.
Happy Groundhog Day!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Top 3 Reasons Obamacare Should Be Replaced By The Magic 8 Ball


One of the biggest criticisms of Obamacare is the high cost of premiums, which could run a family of 4 up to $300,000.  Or so it seems.

The Magic 8 Ball would be significantly lower.   A recent price check on Amazon pegged the fortune-telling device at $4.99, less than a bottle of Vicks VapoRub.

Purchasers would incur a one-time fee.  No monthly payments.  No out-of-pocket expenses.  No choosing between medical care and lotto tickets.

And the plastic orb has been known to last for over 30 years.

Easy To Use

The Magic 8 Ball would be a convenient, straightforward device for the whole family.   You would simply:

1.  Ask a “yes-no” health question
2.  Shake the sphere
3.  Read the answer as it appears in the window

Gone would be the need to verify coverage, confirm copays, and investigate doctors who received medical degrees in the Bahamas.

Children could even use the device without adult supervision, much like the Easy- Bake Oven.


The Magic 8 Ball would reveal good-faith statements that are affirmative, negative, or non-committal. 

Although not 100% accurate, designers point out that no health provider is correct all the time.

“We strive for 60%,” claimed Dr. Hank Wessels, lead developer, “and we usually fall with the standard deviation of the means.”

However practical, the Magic 8 Ball would only work for basic care.

Individuals with more complex ailments would be referred to a tarot card reader.


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Wednesday, January 11, 2017

GoFundMe – Noah’s Ark / circa 3500 BC

The Goal – $536

I’m attempting to build an ark (large ship) on which two of all living creatures, both male and female, may be housed. 

That means two giraffes, two lions, two muskrats, etc.  (Although I am refusing to bring along the Labradoodle.)

A higher authority has given me detailed construction specifications. 

The vessel will be made of gopher wood, have three levels, and sport several internal compartments.  If additional money is raised, I’d like to add a chocolate fountain and disco on the lido deck.

The ark will be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high - about the same size as my uncle’s new store, IKEA, just south of the city.

The Reason

I have it on good authority it will be raining for 40 days and 40 nights.  The ark will save the world’s animal population.  Except for the Labradoodle.

Believe me, I hope the weather reports aren’t true, as I’d rather be tinkering with my chariot or sunbathing in Mesopotamia.

Will it rain?  Time will tell. 

But why take the chance.

Why Your Support Is Needed

As an architectural engineer and shipbuilder, I’ve made a decent living, but certainly have not the means to bankroll a vessel of this magnitude.

The instructions to build an ark are already putting a strain on my family budget, as I was unable to take the kids out to eat at the Olive Garden of Eden.

The money will be used for supplies, labor, and beer.

What do I get for donating?

Pledge $5: My eternal gratitude
Pledge $10: My eternal gratitude and an autograph.
Pledge $50: Gratitude, autograph, and commemorative umbrella
Pledge $75: Spot on the boat
Pledge $100: Spot on the boat with ocean view.

Thank you in advance.


Please share – it’s free – and may help you move up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
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Thursday, January 5, 2017

Trump Reveals Star-Studded List of Holograms to Perform at Inauguration.

Donald Trump released a list of holograms scheduled to perform at the inauguration ceremony.
The three-dimensional images were chosen after several high-caliber singers turned down invitations.
The laser-light participants include:
Elvis Presley
“The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll” will sing a greatest-hits medley to kick-off the festivities.
Trump reportedly paid $100,000 to have the imaged slimmed down after a portly “Vegas Elvis” was accidently programmed.
“I’d prefer a skinny Elvis” Trump told technicians, “and can you have his cape read ‘Make America Great Again.’”
Trump initially thought Elizabeth ll would be appearing at the ceremony.
“The British love me,” read one tweet, “great international support.”
Upon learning Queen was a flamboyant rock band, Trump feigned a smile and gave his signature thumbs-up.
Moments later on a hot mic he was overheard asking, “What’s a Bohemian Rhapsody?”
Hip-hop sensation Eminem will challenge Mr. Trump to a rap battle.
The two men will go head-to-head with members of the House and Senate voting for their favorite insults.
When asked if he was afraid of the Eminem’s rhymes, Trump shrugged.
“He’s just a laser, my rhymes cut like a razor.”
Heavy metal band Slipknot will take the stage, even though Trump is unfamiliar with their music.
“I’ve never heard of them,” he told one reporter, “but I’m sure they’re huuuge.”
The group is a favorite among suburban working-class voters who stood with Trump, but organizers admit the band’s chaotic style may have limited appeal.
“No worries,” said staffer Katie Borrows, “non-fans can go to the lobby and buy a t-shirt.”
Captain and Tennille
Legendary pop duo Captain and Tennille were chosen to close the show.
“No concert would be complete,” Trump said, “without having someone who served the military.”
As of this writing, “Captain” Daryl Dragon is not thought to have had any official military background.
The couple divorced in 2014, but the magic of laser will allow them to perform their hit, “Love Will Keep Us Together.”


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Monday, January 2, 2017

Top 5 Mind-Boggling Predictions of 2017

Trump Shoots Vladimir Putin in Duel

After initial admiration wanes, Donald Trump challenges the Russian president to a duel.  

The men meet in a neutral location on a Swiss mountain.

Prior to commencement, Trump’s pistol misfires and accidently grazes the Soviet leader.

A stunned Putin cries foul and demands Trump pay for his dry cleaning.

Afterward, the two world leaders meet at the Craft service table and split a chocolate gateau.

Batman Vs. Porky Pig

With superhero villains running scarce, Warner Bros. Pictures releases Batman vs. Porky Pig.

The Caped Crusader underestimates the Looney Tunes pig, who attacks with the ferociousness of a wild boar.

The climatic battle finds Batman being gored by the squealing, maniacal swine.

Who wins?

The box office.

Cowboys Lose Super Bowl After Ill-Timed Mannequin Challenge

With the game on the line against New England Patriots, the Dallas Cowboys opt to do a Mannequin Challenge.

Quarterback Tom Brady realizes the defensive line has frozen in place, at which point he tiptoes into the end zone.

The Patriots win 35-34, after which the Cowboys protest the game, claiming New England had agreed to participate in the viral Internet video.

The NFL plans to thoroughly investigate the incident.

Bernie Sanders Awes Paris Fashion Show With Dress Sock Collection

Ex-Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders puts his name on a line of dress socks with diamond-studded leg suspenders.

The combination is a surprise hit during Paris Fashion Week and catapults the junior United States Senator from Vermont into the fashion spotlight.

Knockoff pieces show up on shelves at T.J. Maxx as the public flocks to buy the footwear ensemble.

All proceeds are donated to a scholarship fund for street mimes.

Kim Kardashian Abducted by Aliens

TMZ reports Kim Kardashian has been taken to an unidentified aircraft by space creatures.

The socialite confirms the abduction via Twitter and announces a reality show based on her capture.

USA Network broadcasts the summer-long ordeal that reveals extraterrestrials are a fun-loving lot.  No more so when they open the hatch and shoot a T-Shirt gun at star-struck fans gazing up from earth.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Top 3 News Stories of 2016

3. Cubs Win the World Series
After 108-Year drought, the Chicago Cubs won the World Series.  It was no easy task.
The Cubbies were down 3-1 against the talented Indians.  But Cleveland had just brought home the NBA title, so the powers that be granted the baseball championship to the Windy City.
Long-suffering fans danced in the street.  And high-fived.  And ate Chicago-style hot dogs.  Whatever those are.
2.  Donald Trump Is Elected President
In a shocking election, Donald Trump won the presidential race, beating democratic favorite Hillary Clinton.
The stunning results proved the polls wrong and triggered protests, a flurry of Internet memes, and a cry to dismantle the Electoral College.
And you can sure bet if I don’t know what a Chicago-style hot dog is, I have no idea what the Electoral College is all about.  Next ...
1. McDonalds Offers All-Day Breakfast
In the biggest story of the year, McDonalds begins serving all-day breakfast.
This groundbreaking event allows the populace of this great country to eat Egg McMuffins, sausage, hotcakes, and biscuits.  Anytime.
The scope of this is not to be underestimated.  'Merica is great and this proves it.

Did I mention Fruit & Maple Oatmeal is also available?

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Top 5 Mind-Boggling Predictions For 2016 - Results

In January 2016, I made 5 bold predictions for the upcoming year.  

Well it's time to review and I'm sorry to report none of them came to fruition.

Following are the predictions along with a brief synopsis of reality.

5. NBC Airs Live Musical Version of “Scarface”

With the huge success of  “The Wiz Live!” the Peacock Network ups the ante with a song and dance version of the classic crime thriller.

Hugh Jackman plays gangster Tony Montana with earnest, belting out songs about drug trafficking and money laundering while playfully twirling a chain saw.

The powerful climax has the coked-up mobster singing a whimsical ballad called “Say Hello To My Little Friend” before unloading a t-shirt gun into the audience.

What really happened: NBC opted to product "Hairspray Live!" Yawn

4. Caitlyn Jenner Marries Jake From State Farm

TMZ breaks the story of former Olympian Caitlyn Jenner’s secret nuptial with reclusive insurance huckster Jake.

A small ceremony of close friends and family takes place on a secluded Hawaiian island.  Dress is informal, as the bridesmaids wear beige pants and red shirts. 

No one protests the union and the quaint ceremony is officiated by the Aflac duck.

What really happened: Brad & Angelina broke up.

3. President Obama Wins Cuba in Poker Game.

On a vacation to Cuba President Obama wins the Caribbean island in a high stakes poker hand with Raul Castro.

The pot, which started out with a rum factory and parts of Dade County, goes to Obama when he produces a straight flush.

The two men share a cigar while forming a transition plan that includes opening several McDonald’s and filming a reality show called “The Real Housewives of Havana.”

What really happened: Fidel Castro died. 

2.  The L.A. Lakers Draft Pop Group One Direction

After a dismal 2015 season, the L.A. Lakers bring “Showtime” back to the Staples Center by drafting pop band One Direction. 

The English-Irish group has no basketball skills, but that doesn’t matter.   The boys save all of their energy for the half time show where they perform a greatest hits medley that blows the top off the roof.

Best of all, departed singer Zayn Malik rejoins the group when he is promised a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

What really happened: The Cavaliers won the NBA title. 

1. Donald Trump Picks Steve Harvey as Running Mate

Comedian Steve Harvey is selected as Trump’s running mate and immediately declares “The Don” winner of the presidential race.

The two exchange celebratory high fives as Wayne Newton sings “Danke Schoen.”

After a windy acceptance speech, Trump is informed the actual election isn’t for another four months.

Harvey is hastily ushered into the boardroom and fired.

What really happened: Trump won the presidential race.  Yikes!