Monday, October 6, 2014

Comedy Central @Midnight Recap #HashtagWars - September 29 - October 2, 2014

You've been lucky enough to discover my tweets for Comedy Central's @midnight Hashtag War 

Sept. 29 - Oct. 2, 2014

September 29 - #LamerDuos
  • Sanford and Sons of Anarchy
  • Ozzy and Harriet
  • Adam Ant and Eve
  • Tweety and Sylvester Stallone
  • Felix and Oscar Pistorius
  • Puss 'n' Flip Flops
  • Sonny Corleone and Cher
  • Green Hornet and Kato Kaelin
  • Thelma and Louise Jefferson
September 30 – #MillenialTVShows
  • What's Appening
  • Murder She Tweeted
  • Gamer of Thrones
  • McHale's Old Navy
  • i-Troop
  • Bowling for Bitcoin
  • Lazy for You
  • The Angry Thorn Birds

October 1 – #WorseThanRoctober

  • Gleecember
  • HeeHawgust
  • May Aiken
  • BachTober

October 2 – #BadThemeParks

  • Oprahwood
  • Hoarder's Wharf
  • Weak Stream Waterpark
  • 12 Step Recovery Forest
  • Acne Landing
  • Santa's Union Workshop
  • Putin's Defector Playground

Monday, September 29, 2014

Collateral Wit: Week in Review September 21-27, 2014

For the Sophisticated Reader ...

A Recap of My Tweets                September 21 - 27, 2014

Starbucks is testing coffee that tastes like beer.  Beer is testing beer that tastes like beer.
Apple apologizes for leaving all vowels off of iPhone 6 keyboard.  Vows to fix the problem by Christmas.

Obama salutes Marine while holding a live kangaroo as he exits Air Force One. PITA outraged.

Derek Jeter hits walk-off single in final game at Yankee Stadium, then levitates around the bases.

Justin Beiber damages eardrum cliff diving, threatens to sue water for being too hard.

George Clooney files for divorce after new wife uses wrong toothbrush.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Comedy Central @Midnight Recap #HashtagWars - September 22 - 24, 2014

You've been lucky enough to discover my tweets for Comedy Central's @midnight Hashtag War 

September 22-24, 2014

September 22 - #SexySpace
  • 2001 - A First Base Odyssey
  • Red Light District 9
  • G-String Force
  • The Milfy Way
September 23 – #ItsFallBecause
  • My Neighbor is raking leaves around a fire hydrant and telling kids to jump in.
  • I just paid $12 for a glass of cider and a donut
  • I'm running through a creamed corn maze
  • A deer broke into my house and stole my salad spinner

September 17 – #ElderlyWebsites

  • iPrunes
  • DripFinder
  • Angry Early Bird Special
  • Droolgle
  • TumblrDownTheStairs
  • CraigsBucketList
  • YouFeedingTube
  • WikiPeedia

Monday, September 22, 2014

Collateral Wit: Week in Review September 14 - 20, 2014

For the Sophisticated Reader ...

A Recap of My Tweets September 14 - 20, 2014

Olive Garden management admits that after sitting just 7 minutes, the breadsticks deteriorate in quality.  And after 20 minutes, the appetizer can be used to etch cave drawings.

Neil Young reportedly taking scuba lessons after learning Daryl Hannah is a mermaid.

After losing endorsement contract with Castrol, AdrianPeterson has signed a multi-year sponsorship deal with Beats By Dre.

The 2nd most important referendum for Scottish voters is whether or not to put Fat Bastard on a postage stamp.

Crest agrees to stop putting plastic microbeads in toothpaste after Ohio man sneezes out a Tupperware pepper shaker.

As Alibaba begins trading, Wall Street security heightened for potential threat by forty thieves.
NFL offers suspended players to tackle White House fence jumpers.
Russian jets intercepted near Alaska, Sarah Palin stands on porch looking for wing walkers.
Police capture escapees in Fresno, California – dashing their hopes at forming boy band “New Kids on the Lamb.”

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Comedy Central @Midnight Recap #HashtagWars - September 15-18, 2014

You've been lucky enough to discover my tweets for Comedy Central's @midnight Hashtag War 

September 15-18, 2014

September 15 - #BadPageantTalents
  • River-Twerking
  • Rapping food nutrition labels
  • Headstand on a pottery wheel
  • Tearing phone book in half with toes
  • Hot Air Balloon Folding
  • One-handed push-ups with a family of raccoons on your back
  • Rope twirling on prescription marijuana
  • Underwater Cheerleading
  • AK-47 Loaded Rifle Twirling
  • Pig Latin Ventriloquism
September 16 – #HipsterComicBooks
  • The Walking Tight Pants
  • Captain American Apparel
  • American Vampire Weekend
  • Conan The Vegetarian
  • No Wonder Bra Woman
  • Dark 5 O'Clock Shadows
  • X-Misogyny
  • Hell with you Boy

September 17 – #RuinAPresident

  • Have You Driven A Gerald Ford Lately
  • George "Boom Boom" Washington
  • Franklin Pierce, I Don't Give a Damn
  • Chester Arthur Treacher's
  • Woodrow Flip Wilson
  • George Bush's Best Beans
  • Bill Me for the Dress Clinton
  • Jacques Itch Chirac
  • Marin Van Peebles
September 18, 2014  / #PirateTVShows
  • Millionaire Patchmaker
  • Green Acres Away!
  • Knots Landlubber
  • The Plunder Years
  • Judge Booty
  • Deadwooden Leg
  • D'arrrrrrrrma and Greg
  • Shark Plank
  • Mate is Enough
  • Good MariTimes
  • Beard Factor
  • Buried with Children
  • Breaking SinBad

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Peace Corp Workers Strike For Minimum Wage

Note: Originally published on  Check out more hilarious parody news stories.

Taking their cue from disgruntled fast-food workers, Peace Corp personnel from around the world are striking to receive minimum wages.

Currently, the 7,000 plus operatives are volunteers, who receive absolutely no payment for their services. 

And many are fed up.

Eddie Robzoski, who joined the international service organization last year, echoes the sentiment of many workers.

“I built a three-mile sewer line in Nicaragua, in smoldering heat, all while swatting mosquitos the size of owls … and what did I get … nada … zip … zilch.”

The recruits believe they should receive at least 15 cents per hour for their tireless work.

 “They can afford to pay us a few pennies,” said Winston Abelman, an English teacher in Honduras, “I mean, c’mon, the local mayor is walking around with a gold pinky ring.”

Demonstrations and protests are spreading around the globe.

In Haiti, police were called when hundreds of Peace Corp workers sat in the road and blocked an oxcart from bringing bananas to a clinic.

 “We’ll stay here as long as it takes,” said volunteer Chelsea Hoops, “it’s worth getting arrested and thrown in a tiny, dirty cell for 20 years.”

Although Peace Corp workers accept the position knowing they won’t get paid, many believe compensation is in order.

“The brochure shows everyone smiling and having a good time,” said Madge Smitherton, “but when you find yourself planting tomatoes next to a crocodile farm in Cameroon, you’d kinda like a salary.”

An unidentified Peace Corp representative said he understands the view of the workers, but his hands are tied.  Literally, he is being held in a local Malaysian police station for wearing shorts that are cut too high above the knee.

Recent recruit Brandon Butterman hopes the conflict is resolved before he leaves for Panama, where he’ll show rural cafe owners how to operate Keurig coffee machines. 

“I want to help people,” he said, “but to be honest, I’d like to earn enough so when I get home I can afford to download that new song by Ed Sheeran.”

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Comedy Central @Midnight #HashtagWars Recap - September 8-11, 2014

You've been lucky enough to discover my Tweets for Comedy Central's @midnight Hashtag War 

Sept. 8-11, 2014

September 8 - # NFLRappers
  • Tacklemore
  • Belichick Said Knock You Out
  • Naughty By Neutral Zone
  • Squad City DJs

September 9 – #NewStateMottos
  • Illinois: Bribes Accepted – Cash Only
  • Montana: More Than Just Migratory Elk, Much More
  • Nevada: Join Us in Watching Paint Dry
  • Hawaii: Visit Us!  We Don’t Have Cracker Barrels
  • New Hampshire: Mind Your Business or Be Arrested
  • Ohio: Proud to Hoard
  • Puerto Rico: Live Mas
  • Kansas: America’s Tornado Playground
  • Michigan: Laugh Now, But Someday You’ll Need Fresh Water
  • New Mexico: Good Enough For Walter White
  • Rhode Island: Stay Away! Not Accepting Any New Residents
  • New York: I Dare You Say It To My Face
  • Idaho: Eat More Hashed Browns or Die
  • Texas: Our Cattle Play Football
  • Maine: More Than Just Lobsters, Not!
  • Florida: Stop Here or Fall in the Ocean
  • South Dakota: Iffin You Can’t Afford to Live Nowhere Else
  • Wyoming: Why Not?

September 10 – #MakeAMovieCanadian

  • Citizen Moose
  • All About Eve, Eh
  • Cloudy with the Chance of Poutine
  • There’s Something About Anne Murray
  • Tim Horton Hears a Who!
  • Under the Don Cherry Moon
  • CN Tower Heist
  • Mississippi Curling
  • Footgoose
  • Mutiny on the Mountie
  • Maple Leafing Las Vegas
  • Beaver on a Hot Tin Roof
  • Motel Halifax
  • Loonie & the Beast
  • Wayne Gretzky’s World
  • Legends of the Niagara Falls
  • Billy Elliot Trudeau

September 11, 2014  / #SpookyCartoons 

  • George Hamilton of the Jungle
  • King of the Hills Has Eyes
  • Dora the Gastroenterologist
  • Rocky and Leatherface Show
  • Fat Albert and the Kardashian Kids
  • A Charlie Brown Exorcist
  • Yogi the Albino Bear
  • PinHead SquarePants
  • Popeye the Impaler
  • Tom and Jerry Springer
  • The O.J. Simpsons

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Kim Jong-un to Join Cast of Dancing with the Stars

Note: This story originally appeared on  Click link for more hilarious parody news.

ABC announced today that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. 

The addition, although controversial, was reportedly made to boost ratings and stave off competition from the new Netflix dance show “Twerking is the New Jitterbug.”

Whether or not American audiences are ready for a spray-tanned Kim Jong is yet to be seen, but supporters are already popping up. 

Ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman said, “I’ll be there to support my awesome friend, who’ll show the world he’s not only a great leader, but can also tango.”

To prepare for the competition, Kim Jong is reportedly training with an exercise DVD.  “I’ll be ready,” the leader said, “I’ve been shaking it to Hip Hop Abs for weeks.”

When asked whom he’d like as a partner, the dictator smiled menacingly and said, “I don’t care, as long as it’s Cheryl Burke.” 

ABC, a network known for taking chances, is hoping the selection does not backfire.  One executive was overheard saying, “This could be worse than the Cop Rock fiasco.”

Fans have taken to Twitter voicing their opinion on the controversial pick.

IWuvLabs007 tweeted, “Can’t wait until Gangnam Style week, I’m sure Jong will rock.”

PartyGirlPaula tweeted, “I’ll bet Len is intimidated and gives him a 10 the first week. #ScaredJudge”

Kim Jong is trying to stay focused and believes he can win.

“I’ll hang the mirror ball in my palace, next to my picture of dogs playing poker.”

A studio insider revealed Kim-Jong was not the first world leader to be asked to join the cast. 

Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, turned down the offer joking, “Can you imagine me doing the foxtrot, I don’t think so.”