2019 YEAR IN REVIEW - TOP 100 STORIES
January 2019
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and wife divorced after 25 years of marriage – will share joint custody of America.
China landed rover on dark side of the moon prompting Pink Floyd to sue for copyright infringement.
Woman drank wine from a Pringles can banned at Walmart, then offered management position at Dollar Tree.
John Bolge, dubbed ‘Father of Index Funds,” died at 89, his casket was closed to new investors.
Costco began selling a 27-pound bucket of Mac & Cheese, recommended pairing it with a 5- gallon box of Franzia Sunset Blush.
Prince Philip, 97, involved in car accident, claimed it was only a little banger and mash.
To supplement lost wages, TSA screeners were told to keep one item found in every passenger’s luggage.
Ted Bundy had new show on Netflix - Roseanne remained barred from network TV.
February 2019
Uber Hearse opened for business with new slogan “Drive Like There’s No Tomorrow.”
After weeks of testimony, El Chapo trial began with selection of jury tamperers.
Seating dispute between elderly women sparked brawl at bingo game, police reported injuries from an uppercut and right dab.
CDC said there was no vaccine for ignorance, but research team decided to give it a shot.
McDonald’s revealed new Donut Sticks would be made using real chicken.
Man accused of having 3 wives was arrested after being caught with 75- page honey-do list.
Jussie Smollett pitched new network show “Chicago Pants Are On Fire.”
Kermit the Frog signed to play Freddie Mercury in Muppet version of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
MarcH 2019
Johnny Depp sued ex-wife for $50 million, also demanded she return his red bandana and eyeliner.
NASA revealed price of a female spacesuit was $22 million – not including matching handbag.
9 out of 10 millennial retirement calculators showed picture of parent’s basement.
Woman attacked by jaguar while taking selfie, zoo posted picture to InstaDamn!
After plane crash, Boeing recommended all passengers wear parachute pants.
Nicolas Cage filed for annulment 4 days after surprise marriage, decided to go back to Peggy Sue.
Jussie Smollett lawyers presented catchphrase “If the lie is convenient, you must be lenient.”
Arby's manager fatally shot customer who spit at her, told police “We Have The Heat.”
April 2019
New study revealed men’s beards have more germs than dog fur – prompting health officials to quarantine ZZ Top.
Members of Congress complained Mueller Report was too long, and none of the pages were pop-up.
Burger King rolled out new angry vegan sandwich – the Passive Aggressive Whopper.
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos finalized divorce – new wife delivered via drone.
Passengers airlifted to safety when cruise ship issued mayday - several remained missing after refusing to give up their spot in buffet line.
Biden announced he’ll be next KFC spokesperson.
Norwegian fishermen discovered whale with Russian spy harness - also found seals with high heels & lipstick headed to NRA conference.
Wikileaks co-founder Julian Assange arrested in London – demanded freedom or threatened to release “Game of Thrones” spoiler.
May 2019
Mick Jagger shared dancing video following heart surgery, resumed tour after roadies finished CPR training.
Missing people with lactose intolerance began being pictured on back of almond milk containers.
Starbucks cup spotted in episode of 'Game of Thrones " – also noticed was dragon wearing Hartz 3-in-1 Flea & Tick Collar.
British Prime Minister Theresa May Brexited stage left.
Judge awarded $2 billion to couple who said Roundup caused cancer after using it for salad dressing for 30 years.
Adam Levine quit ‘The Voice,” claimed he’ll seek treatment for Spinning Chair Disorder.
Hawaiian hiker missing for two weeks found alive, clutching Bobby Brady’s Tiki idol.
Video game addiction officially classified as a mental health disorder – new medications will treat Pac-Manitis, Donkey Kongoma, Super Mariolepsy, Galgatrophy and Centipedearrhea.
June 2019
Ohio earthquake caused no structural damage, but destroyed over $2 billion worth of commemorative Elvis plates.
Lyft driver arrested for having 17 license suspensions – also cited for playing Kenny G holiday mix tape in June.
Man at airport caught smuggling 34 rare finches in hair curlers. When asked if he needed a lawyer claimed he was all set.
Toddler got stuck inside arcade claw machine – rescue was hampered when change machine wouldn’t read crumpled bills.
Las Vegas allowed parking tickets to be paid by donating school supplies – also dismissed DUI charges for anyone restocking Bacardi in teacher lounge mini-fridge.
Temperatures in London were so high Madame Tussauds announced a half- off sale.
Man set world record by fitting 146 blueberries in his mouth, broke previous record of 7.
Gunman who shot David Ortiz claimed it was mistaken identity, sentenced by high court to get a pair of prescription glasses.
July 2019
Top baby name of 2019 was ‘Archie” - followed closely by Edith, Meathead, and Stretch Cunningham.
Man caught with a pound of cocaine under toupee, told police it was a buzz cut.
Research revealed average net worth for millennials was $8000 – or enough for lunch at Whole Foods.
200 people fell ill after eating at Imelda Marcos 90th Birthday party – the former first lady denied it was food poisoning, but authorities said ‘if the shoe fits … ‘
Lee Iacocca died at age 94 - in lieu of flowers, family asked donations be made to “Foundation for People Who’ve Caught Their Finger In A Minivan Sliding Door.”
Rick Springfield cancelled Dominican Republic performance amid safety concerns; also found out Jessie’s Girl wasn’t going to be there.
Vice President Pence toured detention center in North Pole, found ‘Elf on the Shelf’ doing well.
Drug kingpin El Chapo claimed to be broke after spending $3 billion bribing the warden for a top bunk and $9 billion paying back debt to Colombia House for CDs ordered in the 90s.
Top Music News: Eddie Rabbit revealed he prefers clear nights.
August 2019
Jeffrey Epstein found dead from apparent suicide – when asked to comment, son Juan Epstein said “Up your nose with a rubber hose.”
Larry King filed for divorce from seventh wife, who immediately signed 3-year deal with Piers Morgan.
Earth avoided hit by huge asteroid, but remained in danger from Centipedes and Space Invaders.
Woodstock 50 festival cancelled after Jimi Hendrix hologram pulled out.
News Update: Dingo returned the baby, who is now a 39 yr. old yoga instructor from Perth.
Brazilian drug dealer attempted prison escape by dressing as his teenage daughter; got caught after asking guard to get his ears pierced.
International traveler with measles visited Disneyland prompting officials to change name of ride to "It's a Smallpox World."
Sirhan Sirhan listed in stable condition after prison prison stabbing stabbing.
70s Music News Update: Sara Smile turned into a ‘Sarcastic Smirk.’
September 2019
Apple announced new iPhone 11 would be made out of bacon.
Hotel magnate Barron Hilton died at 91, family confirmed he had late checkout.
Vegan sued neighbor for barbecuing in backyard; attorney grilled the witnesses.
Three billion birds were lost in North America since 1970 mostly from habitat deprivation and pesticides - and a few crazy ones who tried the Tide Pod Challenge.
Research affirmed a good way to wean off vaping was to start smoking cigarettes.
“Storm Area 51” event drew 100 people – all of whom were Tasered and put in cryogenic space pods.
Academy of Motion Picture Arts announced a lifetime achievement award would be presented at this year’s Oscars to George Hamilton’s tan.
4 more accused Plácido Domingo of sexual harassment including Carmen, Madame Butterfly, and Porgy & Bess.
Thousands of students across America skipped school to attend global climate marches, others stayed at home to smoke weed and watch Benny & Joon on VHS.
October 2019
Bernie Sanders cancelled campaign events due to health concerns, according to his great-great-great-great-great grandson.
Man found spider living in his ear immediately searched for remedy on WebMD.
Whistleblower to publish book tentatively called “The Art Of The Squeal.”
Felicity Huffman released from prison early, then eased back into civilian life by spending the weekend at the Waldorf Astoria Beverly Hills.
Dog that chased al-Baghdadi to be awarded Purple Heartgard.
Dennis Quaid, 65, announced engagement to 26-year-old - bride pulled out upon learning he was not Harrison Ford.
2009 Christmas Day underwear bomb maker killed, according to White House brief.
Jane Fonda arrested for protesting climate control on Capitol Hill, claimed she could no longer go ice fishing on Golden Pond.
New study showed rats could learn to drive, but were prone to tailgate.
November 2019
Man stabbed after argument over Popeyes chicken sandwich, also found to have two broken McRibs.
Kelly Clarkston and John Legend dropped Christmas duet “Frosty The Snowperson.”
10-year-old brought crossbow to school and tried to shoot apple off teacher’s head, claimed it was Show and William Tell.
Man received flu shot at dollar store, then diagnosed with Boogie Fever.
China curfew on online gaming for minors implemented by top regulator Donkey Yong Kong.
McDonald’s CEO resigned after relationship with subordinate who was in charge of Happy Ending Meals.
6-year-old Ohio boy carried loaded semi-automatic gun to school, won ten straight games of musical chairs.
Robert Norris, original Marlboro Man died at age 90, funeral featured closed carton.
Prince Andrew stepped back from his royal duties, including his work with The Missing and Crooked Teeth Foundation.
Colin Kaepernick streamed online workout for fantasy football owners, changed location from Netflix to Hulu.
December 2019
“The Irishman” named year’s best by film critics Paddy O’Sullivan, Sean Murphy, and Aiden Kelly.
Willie Nelson said he’s given up smoking weed, but that it’s always on his mind.
Reviews for ‘Cats’ were so bad tickets were sold at the liter box office.
Wife of Papa John’s founder filed for divorce, said she’s looking for “Better Ingredients – Better Husband.”
TIME’s announced 2019 Person of the Year: Greta Van Fleet
Nearly half U.S. residents to be ‘obese’ in 2030, according to data trends compiled by Walmart belly-recognition software.
Composer of ‘Hello Dolly’ passed away at 88 – pallbearers put him back where he belongs.
Sally Field arrested at climate change protest, told police ‘Don’t you strike me! Really don’t strike me!”
Man arrested with fake license plate drawn with crayon on paper bag – for his one phone call, police gave him two paper cups with a string.
The Masked Singer revealed to be The Unknown Comic!
###
Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight
