Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Week Glance at News October, 01 - October 07, 2017

ATM fees rose to record levels, as it now costs $10 to withdrawal $5.

According to North Korea, the U.S. tried to kill Kim Jong Un last May, in the parlor, with a candlestick.

Middle-age Americans in 2017 are less healthy than prior generations, according to a study by the Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream Institute.

MTV’s “Total Request Live” returned with first guest: a hologram of Elvis.

Vladimir Putin turned 65 this week and is now eligible for Medicare.

Delta announced free in-fight text messaging.  Also decreased the amount of legroom by one leg.

Top Story of the Week:  Sour Cream & Onion Potato Chips do not contain sour cream or onion.

Bob Seger canceled remainder of his tour and will be seeing a chiropractor down on Mainstreet.

The Nobel Prize in Hygiene was awarded to Swedish scientist Chet Farkins who discovered a deodorant that lasts 746 light years.

Europe ordered Amazon to pay $300 million in taxes.  Jeff Bezos reached in pocket and handed Europe a $500 million dollar bill.  Then asked for change.

Sarah Jessica Parker moves to Mifflin County Pennsylvania to stay with three Amish friends in new HBO series called “Celibacy in the City.”

According to the USA Today, the scariest place to trick-or-treat this Halloween is the Blair Witch Projects.

Netflix increased prices for U.S. subscribers, blaming “Strange Things.”

Puerto Rico purchased a Sony PlayStation on a MasterCard before getting its debt wiped out.

O.J. Simpson lost ball on golf course, then said he’ll do whatever it takes to find it and bring it back to its sleeve.

Medical Warning: Stop taking Victoza if you start shooting candy corn out of your fingertips.The American Journal of Fast Food revealed that McDonald’s fries have a shelf life of six minutes.

Women accused of killing Kim Jong-Un’s half brother plead “50% Guilty.”

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Kim Jong-un to Join Cast of Dancing with the Stars

Note: This story originally appeared on www.absrdcomedy.com.  Click link for more hilarious parody news.

ABC announced today that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. 

The addition, although controversial, was reportedly made to boost ratings and stave off competition from the new Netflix dance show “Twerking is the New Jitterbug.”

Whether or not American audiences are ready for a spray-tanned Kim Jong is yet to be seen, but supporters are already popping up. 

Ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman said, “I’ll be there to support my awesome friend, who’ll show the world he’s not only a great leader, but can also tango.”

To prepare for the competition, Kim Jong is reportedly training with an exercise DVD.  “I’ll be ready,” the leader said, “I’ve been shaking it to Hip Hop Abs for weeks.”

When asked whom he’d like as a partner, the dictator smiled menacingly and said, “I don’t care, as long as it’s Cheryl Burke.” 

ABC, a network known for taking chances, is hoping the selection does not backfire.  One executive was overheard saying, “This could be worse than the Cop Rock fiasco.”

Fans have taken to Twitter voicing their opinion on the controversial pick.

IWuvLabs007 tweeted, “Can’t wait until Gangnam Style week, I’m sure Jong will rock.”

PartyGirlPaula tweeted, “I’ll bet Len is intimidated and gives him a 10 the first week. #ScaredJudge”

Kim Jong is trying to stay focused and believes he can win.

“I’ll hang the mirror ball in my palace, next to my picture of dogs playing poker.”

A studio insider revealed Kim-Jong was not the first world leader to be asked to join the cast. 

Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, turned down the offer joking, “Can you imagine me doing the foxtrot, I don’t think so.”

Dennis Rodman Paves Way for North Korea Sports Exchange: 3 Athletes to Consider

Dennis Rodman's recent visit to North Korea may have opened the door for diplomatic relations between the U.S. and the authoritarian-ruled country. As reported by The New York Times, leader Kim Jong Un told the former NBA star he hoped a sports exchange would be activated to promote mutual understanding between the two countries.

I'm not sure what that means, but I'm all for it. If sending over a few of our pro athletes will help mellow out a dynasty that is hell-bent on proliferating nuclear weapons - game on!

Here's a list of all-stars I believe may make perfect ambassadors for the trip.

Mike Tyson

Does Kim Jong Un like boxing? Who knows? He's fairly close to the vest with his personal life. But Mike Tyson is my first pick to showcase America's raw power.

The dictator would surely respect Iron Mike's ruthless style, fierce persona, and impressive record (50 wins, 44 by KO.) And after Rodman's visit, we can assume Kim's not intimidated by an athlete with multiple tattoos.

The two men could share a ringside beer at a state-fixed boxing tournament.

Or better yet, they could string up their gloves and face off in a charity bout - all proceeds benefitting ruling class members who can't afford Botox. My money's on Mike (sorry Kim Jong Un.)

At a post-fight dinner, the gents could boast about their accomplishments. "I bit off some dudes ear," Tyson might say.

"Well, I launched a rocket that circled the earth twice," Jong may retort.

As a parting gift, Tyson could offer Kim Jong a DVD Box set of "M*A*S*H*." The North Korean leader, in return, may just relax his quest for nuclear supremacy.

Keep your fingers crossed.

John McEnroe

Kim Jong Un would most likely welcome any athlete who excels in a sport that requires mental toughness, strategy, and physical stamina. Even if that sport is tennis.

So choosing John McEnroe to knock on the palace gate is a no-brainer. The eight-time grand slam winner would make a perfect ambassador.

Sitting courtside, Kim won't know what hit him as McEnroe serves up opinions of the dictator's agenda.

"A missile that can reach the U.S. mainland? You can not be serious!" McEnroe may lament, "You are a disgrace! Everyone here is a disgrace!"

"Did you say you're conducting another nuclear test, Kim? That is absolutely unacceptable!"

North Korea, not a country known for glasnost, may send the tennis legend to a mountain prison gulag for an extended stay.

Or maybe, just maybe, the country's space center will be turned into an Ikea.

Ricky Bobby

Sure NASCAR superstar, Ricky Bobby, is a fictitious movie character, but so what? With North Korea's limited media access, it wouldn't surprise me if the outlandish film was perceived as a documentary.

Send over publicity folks, a film crew, and an entourage of Ricky Bobby's friends, and you may have a ruse not seen since "Argo."

Although worlds apart, Kim Jong Un and Ricky Bobby could become fast friends and attend a motor race featuring cars built by Pyeonghwa Motors Corp.

"Dang, they're fast!" Bobby may say, as not to insult the manufacturing capabilities of the host country.

"Maybe I'll sponsor your next race," Jong may say, "Do you think our flag will fit on the hood?"

Back at the palace, Kim could serve a feast of Ricky Bobby's favorite nourishment: Domino's, KFC, and, the always delicious, Taco Bell.

"No wonder you like this food," Jong may say, "It's scrumptious."

"Well come visit me and I'll show you some good old southern hospitality."

Maybe Kim will accept the invitation to come to America and spend some time hooting it up with Bobby and company.

The dictator may just realize America is not the axis of evil, but just a bunch of fun loving dudes who like to drive fast and shop at Target.

And there you have it. We could be one pit stop closer to world peace.