Humor Rewind by Gary George - A Weak Glance at News July 23 - July 30, 2017

Following a weeklong technology consortium, experts agreed that Greek yogurt is not practical to be stored on the cloud.

Senior White House Advisor, Jared Kushner confirmed, “I did not have sexual relations with the Russians.”

Luxury fashion designer Michael Kors agreed to buy shoe company Jimmy Choo in 1.2 billion deal.  Management expected to get the boot.

Academy Award winning actor Ben Affleck was signed to play Batman - in Dunkirk ll.

Experts warned that great white sharks are getting braver in California, after one is spotted on shore, playing in a Calypso band.

Trump revealed a ban of transgender people from the military, claiming he is Saving Ryan’s Privates.

In Switzerland, a man was arrested following a chainsaw attack.  Police found him in a clearing in the woods.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign memoir to be titled “What Happened.”  Insights to be given by Raj, Dwayne, and Rerun.

Pop sensation Justin Beiber canceled the remainder of his international tour.  Tickets can be refunded at point if purchase, but your dignity will remain unredeemed.

Soviets retaliate against U.S. sanctions by banning export of Russian dressing.

After Senate rejected a plan to repeal parts of the Affordable Care Act, Republicans introduced an extra-skinny, slimmed down Obamacare replacement with Zero Calories.

Mayberry police release body camera video of Barney Fife, revealing that the officer followed procedure during a jaywalking incident that caused rioting.

Michigan resident, Chet Farkins, reported that someone popped up from the back seat of his car and put a plastic bag over his head.   Further investigation revealed it was only his cat playing a joke.

According to White House staff, President Trump spoke to 5 billion boy scouts at a jamboree.

Police push back against Trump's law-and-order speech, say they will continue to put two mints and a bath robe in the back of squad cars.

Follow me on Twitter: @garygeorgevich for more breaking news and insight.

Top 3 Offbeat Ballot Propositions

Voting for president is one of the great privileges of democracy, but on Election Day you may also be confronted with a slew of ballot measures.

Local laws allow these propositions to be added after supporters gather a predetermined number of signatures, usually by standing outside of Target and waving a clipboard.

Needless to say, some are a tad quirky. 

Cymbal-Banging Monkey Statue

To attract tourists, a proposal in Deerhoof, Minnestoa would use taxpayer dollars to erect a giant chimp playing the cymbals.  The fifty-story monkey would clang every hour on the hour, much like a church bell tower.

Ex-zookeeper, Maverick Burnzinski, spearheaded the proposal after a short trip to London. 

“I heard Big Ben chime and thought we should have a similar time piece,” he said, “and that’s when I thought of my favorite childhood toy.”

Not everyone is onboard. 

“Sure we’d like to bring in tourist dollars,” said Mayor Todd McPost, “but we’ve got to fix some potholes before putting up a King Kong clock.”

Klingon As Official Language

On the ballot in Bad Valley, Utah, is a measure to make Klingon the official language of the populace. 

The proposal barely made the ballot after a group of self-proclaimed nerds collected 600 signatures, mostly while waiting in line to see a midnight showing of  “The Hobbit.”

“Klingon may sound like gibberish,” said Marky Devlin, who spearheaded the movement, “but there’s a beauty to the cadence and who doesn’t like Star Trek?”

The ballot is not expected to pass, as a recent survey revealed 99% of the population is “more than satisfied” using English.

Paid Leave for Mime School

A last-minute proposal in Mt. Braden, Seattle, would grant paid leave for anyone attending mime school.

The community, know for supporting the arts, has gathered over 1,980 signatures. 

Mime is a soulful art form,” said Chef Farkins, who also appears on billboards with an umbrella being caught in the wind. 

“It’s time our business community supports this ancient medium of self-expression.”

Local Subway owner, Kit Kraven, disagrees. 

“If people want to act like they’re stuck in an imaginary box, that’s great, but I can’t afford to support them.”

The measure is not expected to pass.

Omelet Stations Added to Increase Voter Turnout

The non-profit organization Vote Or Else plans to install omelet stations in every precinct for the upcoming presidential election.

The group hopes the made-to-order egg sites will encourage voter participation.

“People flock to free food,” said spokesperson, Chet Farkins, “That’s why dive bars have baskets of Goldfish crackers.”

A recent study by the Tortein Institute suggested complimentary meals would increase turnout by 8-10% at the polls.   And possibly more if hot sauce was available.

The egg stations will be bipartisan and available free of charge to both Republican and Democrats.  The process will be kept simple.

After showing voter ID, the balloter will grab a ceramic plate and point to a variety of ingredients.   

“We’ll have the standard fare,” Farkins added, “mushrooms, green peppers, onions, spinach, sausage, and bacon.”

Some critics believe the meals may slow the voting process. 

“That’s nonsense,” said Farkins, “if you’re in a hurry you can vote straight vegetarian or meat lovers.”

Undecided diners may allow the chef to pick their fixings, and hope the meal is to their liking.

Egg whites will be available for the Lean Party.

Trump To Deport Undocumented Cabbage Patch Kids

Donald Trump’s new immigration plan calls for the immediate removal of all undocumented Cabbage Patch Kids.  Current statistics suggest as many as 400,000 of the loveable dolls without birth certificates would be targeted.

“Any of the little people who can’t prove they were born in America will have to leave,” Trump said at a rally this afternoon.

Cabbage Patch Kids are issued a birth certificate upon adoption, but some critics claim many were hand-sewn illegally and have been taking jobs away from natural- born dolls.

Trump did not divulge specifics regarding relocation, but said the kids would be sent to a magical place behind a waterfall.

Supporters at the rally cheered when the presidential hopeful took a hard line on illegal dolls. 

“Finally, someone is doing something about these needle-molded fabric sculptures,” said Chet Farkins, of Lee’s Summit, Missouri.

The left quickly denounced the proposal as a form of doll discrimination.

“What’s next,” scoffed Democratic strategist Sanford Leidman, “Will Barbie and Ken have to carry a passport?  It’s ridiculous.”

Humor Report January 26, 2016

Humor Report by Gary George, January 26, 2016