Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Go Mobile! Why We’ll Look like Kangaroos in 4012 A.D

You might not want to believe it, but your cell phone usage will turn future generations into kangaroos.  Did that get your attention?  I hope so, because I believe it's true.  We're a few generations away from tiny fingers, short arms and a pouch.
Change won't happen overnight, but biological adaptation all but assures a mutation of the human body to accommodate the small devices through which we talk, text, tweet, share, like and close our garage doors.
For those of you who were napping through high school science, adaptation is the modification of an organism to enable it to adjust to its environment.  Kind of like when the elephant grew a trunk so it could carry a lavishly dressed circus girl around the big top.
If any activity could instigate body metamorphosis, it is our massive mobile device usage.  According to the CTIA, Americans send over 6.1 billion text messages per day.  And that doesn't include the one I received a few seconds ago from my nana, asking for help with her fantasy football lineup.
Since our current anatomy is poorly suited for such texting volume, body change is inevitable.
The first physical adjustment will be the reduction in finger size.  For the life of me, I cannot type a text message without hitting at least 20 wrong keys.  Look at this message:
"HoW about B3eakfest tomor3ow m+rni'ng @ McDs??'
Would you show up at McDonald's if this mess appeared in your inbox?  Well my friend did not, and I ended up eating my Egg McMuffin with a group of elderly gentleman who discussed the pros and cons of their blood pressure medicine.
And I have somewhat small digits.  Imagine the hardship for people of greater stature. My condolences are extended to a pro wrestler who thinks he tweeted a challenge to a rival for a steel cage rematch, but actually invited him to senior prom.
How long will it take for nature to shrink our appendages?  Not as long as you may think. My guess is that by this time next year we'll see some toddlers with tiny Cabbage Patch hands that can handle a keyboard at a quick rate with minimal typos.  

Look for a special on the Discovery Channel.
Farewell to Arms
As our bodies transmute, the shortening of the arm, or even the total loss of the elbow will be all but certain.  There will be simply no reason to have our hands extended more than one foot away from our eyes.
Need proof?  Check out any number of places where teens congregate: the mall, fast food joints, video arcades. Well, maybe not the video arcades, but you know what I mean.  The odds are more likely than not that the swarms will be holding a device inches away from their face.  

As digital use increases, kids will abandon traditional playgrounds.  Gone will be the need for a pair of limbs that can swing a baseball bat or whirl a jump rope.  Those will be appendages of the past.
I peg our eventual arm extension to be around a foot.  This alignment will bring the hands closer to our face, make for a more physically enjoyable communication experience and at the same time allow us humans to still enjoy a Mrs. Field cookie.
The one negative: tying your shoes will require training by a flexible contortionist.  Look for a Groupon sponsored by Cirque du Soleil.
Storage Pouch - Never Again Lose Your Wireless Device
As important as our mobile devices have become, they are easily misplaced.  I often wander my home mindlessly looking under chair cushions, emptying pockets and interrogating the dog (who more often than not knows nothing.)
It's a matter of time before our bodies develop a pouch in which our phones, pods and pads can be entrusted. The most likely place will be front and center of our bodies, easily accessible by our now shortened, stubby arms.
No more throwing the phone on the car seat, where it will inevitably end up wedged in the crevice next to the parking break after a quick stop.  No more calling the health club asking if someone turned in a phone. (Ok, it was a actually a cigar bar.)  No more fumbling though your purse trying to find a phone that you left at home next to your Skinnygirl Sangria.
I, for one, can't wait.  

So there you have it.  Tiny fingers, short arms and a pouch.  Your descendants, my friend, now look like kangaroos.  

Unless, of course, a widescreen, hand-held device becomes popular. In which case, they may look like King Kong.

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