How to Eat Corn on the Cob and Not End Up in the Hospital

As the summer barbecue season marches on, many will find an item on their dish that has become a classic American side - corn on the cob. This treat is viewed as a harmless compliment to potato salad, deviled eggs, and three-bean dip.

Don't be fooled.

Extreme heat, spiked utensils, and hasty consumption all create a perfect storm when eating corn on the cob.  

If your host ignores these hazards and decides to serve this reckless side dish, it’s up to you to know and avoid the dangers.

Clear and Present Danger

Oftentimes the corn arrives at your plate straight from the grill and wrapped in aluminum foil. Freeing the cob from this blistering metal cocoon in itself becomes hazardous. Your natural reaction is to grasp the foil with your fingertips.

Stop!  Your bare digits are not heat resistant and will blister.

Complaining about your burns will be universally ignored, except for a few chuckles from those who take pleasure in such things.  

You will be left on your own to sooth the pain, most likely with a can of cold beer or an ice cube from an unattended drink.

A much safer way to uncover the cob is to stab at the foil with your knife and fork. Poke at the foil. Peel it away. Relentlessly attack until it is ready to tap out.

The best defense is a good offense.

The Approach

The next step toward ingestion is getting the cob to your mouth. Easier said than done. Corn on the cob is one of those rare food items that is neither eaten with utensils nor directly picked up by hand.

The item of choice to get the corn to your mouth is the skewer - sharp, steel, needle-like holders. Your job is to inject each end of the cob like a junkie on heroine.

Sometimes it takes two or three pokes before you find the "sweet" spot.

Be patient and get it right. Nothing is more dangerous than lifting the cob to your mouth with two pointed rods that are only minimally secure. 

If the skewer does pop from the core and jab you in the cheek, your fate may be put in the hands of a 911 dispatcher, who may or may not take your call seriously.

The Chomp

If you're lucky enough to get the corn up to your mouth, your first inclination is to immediately bite down. But not so fast.  

Ask yourself: Do I have braces?

If so, gnashing the corn could turn your mouth into a mess of twisted metal similar to a foggy pile-up on I-95 in South Florida.

For the rest of us, we have the "all clear."

Chewing into the cob is the least dangerous part of the process, however, it is not without risk. A hasty, powerful jaw motion combined with buttery rows of maize may cause you to mistime your bite and rip into your cheek or tongue.

Go slow to avoid this outcome. Nothing is worse than a gorgeous day spent in an emergency room next to an inebriated yahoo who caught his beard on fire with a sparkler.

Follow these simple precautions and there is no reason why you can't enjoy a delicious ear of corn.

As with eating any meal, common sense is the key.

Use some.

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