As
the summer barbecue season marches on, many will find an item on their dish
that has become a classic American side - corn on the cob. This treat is viewed
as a harmless compliment to potato salad, deviled eggs, and three-bean dip.
Don't
be fooled.
Extreme
heat, spiked utensils, and hasty consumption all create a perfect storm when
eating corn on the cob.
If your host
ignores these hazards and decides to serve this reckless side dish, it’s up to
you to know and avoid the dangers.
Clear
and Present Danger
Oftentimes
the corn arrives at your plate straight from the grill and wrapped in aluminum
foil. Freeing the cob from this blistering metal cocoon in itself becomes
hazardous. Your natural reaction is to grasp the foil with your fingertips.
Stop!
Your bare digits are not heat resistant
and will blister.
Complaining
about your burns will be universally ignored, except for a few chuckles from
those who take pleasure in such things.
You
will be left on your own to sooth the pain, most likely with a can of cold beer
or an ice cube from an unattended drink.
A
much safer way to uncover the cob is to stab at the foil with your knife and
fork. Poke at the foil. Peel it away. Relentlessly attack until it is ready to
tap out.
The
best defense is a good offense.
The
Approach
The
next step toward ingestion is getting the cob to your mouth. Easier said than
done. Corn on the cob is one of those rare food items that is neither eaten
with utensils nor directly picked up by hand.
The
item of choice to get the corn to your mouth is the skewer - sharp, steel,
needle-like holders. Your job is to inject each end of the cob like a junkie on
heroine.
Sometimes
it takes two or three pokes before you find the "sweet" spot.
Be
patient and get it right. Nothing is more dangerous than lifting the cob to
your mouth with two pointed rods that are only minimally secure.
If
the skewer does pop from the core and jab you in the cheek, your fate may be
put in the hands of a 911 dispatcher, who may or may not take your call
seriously.
The
Chomp
If
you're lucky enough to get the corn up to your mouth, your first inclination is
to immediately bite down. But not so fast.
Ask
yourself: Do I have braces?
If
so, gnashing the corn could turn your mouth into a mess of twisted metal
similar to a foggy pile-up on I-95 in South Florida.
For
the rest of us, we have the "all clear."
Chewing
into the cob is the least dangerous part of the process, however, it is not
without risk. A hasty, powerful jaw motion combined with buttery rows of maize
may cause you to mistime your bite and rip into your cheek or tongue.
Go
slow to avoid this outcome. Nothing is worse than a gorgeous day spent in an
emergency room next to an inebriated yahoo who caught his beard on fire with a
sparkler.
Follow
these simple precautions and there is no reason why you can't enjoy a delicious
ear of corn.
As with
eating any meal, common sense is the key.
Use
some.
Follow me on Twitter for more humorous insights: @GaryGeorgevich
https://twitter.com/garygeorgevich
Follow me on Twitter for more humorous insights: @GaryGeorgevich
https://twitter.com/garygeorgevich
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