Rigamarole by George

Toothpaste Instructions Expanded:

For best results, squeeze tube from bottom and flatten to top. 

For mediocre results, squeeze tube from middle and flatten to top.

For poor results, squeeze tube from top and flatten to top.

For political results, form committee to squeeze tube.

For religious results, have Tim Tebow kneel and squeeze tube.

For military results, have SEAL Team 6 squeeze tube.

For New Jack Swing results, listen to Bell Biv Devoe and squeeze tube.

For passive-aggressive results, “accidently forget” to squeeze tube.

For Puritan Work Ethic results, get up early, eat hearty breakfast and squeeze tube.

For creepy results, have the host of “Sweet Genius” squeeze tube.

For philosophical results, question the existence of tube.

For “Buddy Cop” movie results, have Tango & Cash squeeze tube.

For ironic results, have someone with dentures squeeze tube.

For Shakespearean results, fake death in front of lover and squeeze tube.

For disinterested results, have a teenager squeeze tube.

For retro-toy results, use KerPlunk plastic rods to open tube.

For cartoonish results, have Ren & Stimpy squeeze tube.

For disoriented results, spin in a circle and squeeze tube.

For comedic results, use Sledge-O-Matic to open tube (written permission required.)