Texas Cold Case Unit Reopens “Who Shot J.R.?”

Note: Originally published on absrdcomedy.com.  Check out more hilarious parody news stories.

Rookie Detective Zachary Mellon thought he was reading about a real-life felony when he stumbled across the shooting of oil tycoon J.R. Ewing.

Sifting through press clippings of unsolved crimes, the cold case investigator was unaware the article was from the 80’s TV show “Dallas,” and unwittingly reopened the case.

“It bothered me that no one was prosecuted,” Mellon said, “He wasn’t the nicest guy, from what I could tell, but he didn’t deserve to get popped like that.”

Mellon’s partner, Joss Bradner, also unfamiliar with the popular primetime soap opera, agreed the

case should be reopened.

“I thought Zach was on to something,” Bradner said, “J.R.’s wife, Sue Ellen was jailed, but then release for lack of evidence.  Someone should be held accountable.”

The two detectives drove around greater Dallas for a few days trying to interview witnesses, but kept hitting dead ends.

“People just kind of looked at us funny,” Zack said, “Like we were crazy or something.”

The investigation was halted after precinct commander, Captain Drake Wasont, was informed.

“I couldn’t believe these two nitwits were trying to find out who shot J.R.,” Wasont said,  “I didn’t know whether to suspend them or buy them the complete series box set on Amazon.”

When asked about the incident, Mellon downplayed the mistake.

“I did feel kind of silly when I found out it was just a TV show, “ Mellon said, “but no harm was done.”

When asked if he ever found out who shot J.R., the detective laughed.

 “Everyone knows it was Kristin Shepard, J.R.’s sister-in-law.  Right?”