Why George Bailey Should Not Lasso The Moon

In the classic holiday film, "It's a Wonderful Life," George Bailey offers to lasso the moon, pull it down, and give it to his gal for consumption.

While certainly a romantic notion, galactic realignment may be a bad idea.  The moon is a huge, heavy mass, and surely difficult to move.  

And probably unhealthy for digestion.

Let's review the nuts and bolts of the operation.

Rope A Dope

Where would George possibly find a length of rope sufficient to reach our closest celestial neighbor?

The moon is 225,745 miles away from the earth. That would entail traveling by car at 70 mph for 134 days (not including potty breaks.)

The Bedford Falls hardware store would probably be his first inquiry.

"Hi, Mr. Johnson!"

"Well, hello George, how may I help you?"

"Do you have any rope?"

"We have twine."

"I need rope."

"Oh … check in the bin by the door hinges. How much do you need?"

"Ahhh … kind of a lot … enough to reach outer space."

“I'll order some in for next Wednesday."

Moonstruck

So hump day rolls around and George has rope that will reach the moon.

Now what?

Of all the tasks that are made to look easy, lassoing is at the top.

What child hasn't seen a cowboy twirl a lariat with graceful ease and then try to emulate the trick?  Frustration can mount quickly as the rope spins wildly, burning the face and neck.

But if anyone has the confidence to throw a rope thousands of miles into the atmosphere with precision accuracy, it’s George Bailey.  

He did just win a Charleston dance competition.

Real Trouble

So let’s say, by some miracle, our hero ropes that sucker.  Now he’s got to pull it down to earth.  No easy task.

The moon weighs 81 quintillion tons.  To put that in perspective, one quintillion tons is really, really heavy. 

Multiply that by 81.

The best way to ensure success may be to hire that guy from Malaysia who set a world record by pulling 7 train coaches with his teeth. 

George could pay him a few bucks under the table. 

I’m sure he could use the money, if for nothing else than a set of dentures.

Feeding The Moon to Mary: Bad Idea.

And what does George fancy after getting the moon?  Build a dream house and live happily ever after?

No.  He suggests Mary swallow the satellite like a gigantic pill. 

Not only is that unromantic, it's downright dangerous.

The moon's crust consists of silicon, magnesium, iron, calcium, aluminum, and for all I know, Kryptonite.

That’s a meal even Anthony Bourdain wouldn’t eat on “Parts Unknown.”

The Day After

The moon's gravitational field often draws in asteroids and other objects that would normally hit the earth.

Without the moon, our planet would be more susceptible to a collision with a foreign object.

You know whom to blame if you're hit by a chunk of the Milky Way?




George Bailey.

So instead of securing a gift that would beguile his first love, George is doing 25-30 for involuntary manslaughter. 

 Not such a wonderful life.