Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Justin Bieber: 3 Ways to Stage a Celebrity Meltdown

A Manufactured Breakdown May Increase Bieber's Celebrity and Add Twitter Followers

Justin Bieber's had an intense year. He's fought with paparazzi, fainted during performances, cancelled shows, and for all I know, removed his name from the Do-Not-Call registry.

Media outlets quickly exploited the events. A headline in The Indian Express labeled Bieber's behavior as a meltdown.

But citizens of Mumbai do not fear!
The Biebz refuted the reports, according to ABC News, and claimed he's OK.
And I believe him. I mean, why would he lie?
But instead of denying the meltdown, maybe Bieber should perpetuate it; give the press a full-blown dose of celebrity insanity.
In doing so, he may keep his name on the front pages, get his breakdown out of the way at a young age, and maybe add a few million Twitter followers.
Hey, it worked for Charlie Sheen.
Here's my roadmap for the Biebz, if he chooses to manufacture a meltdown.
Shave Your Head
Once you've decided to have a meltdown, don't waste time. Grab a razor and turn your noggin into a cue ball.
Drastic appearance alteration is a surefire way to get the editors at People to dump the cover photo of Jennifer Aniston's wedding perm in favor or your bald dome.
To elevate the buzz, consider a do-it-yourself job on YouTube.
And don't use a wimpy electric shaver! Invest in a straight razor and do it old school.
For maximum effect, work the blade across a leather barber's strop in broad sweeping motions. Think Clint Eastwood in "High Plains Drifter."
After the crop, climb on a chopper and zoom off to the ritziest restaurant in the area. Make sure there's a plethora of paparazzi.
When people stare, stare back.
And, of course, say, "May I help you?" or "What the hell are you looking at?"
Jump on Oprah's Couch
Now that people are talking, it's time to shift your meltdown into high gear. Book yourself on a popular talk show and go berserk!
Jumping up and down like a gorilla on Samsonite luggage will do the trick.
I'm not sure Oprah has a show anymore, mostly because I can't decipher programing on OWN. But if she does have a show, then jump on her couch.
If she doesn't, Ellen's couch will work. As a last resort, use Letterman's desk.
Now, you need to have a reason to jump up and down. Here, use your imagination. You can follow the crowd and proclaim your love for your future ex-wife.
Other topics may include a rant about tea party politics, the benefits of a vegan lifestyle, or the functionality of the new Blackberry Z10.
It really doesn't matter. The point is you're jumping up and down on a couch.
After you dismount, check your social media.
Twitter feeds from your new followers will surely be rolling in:
"Why did he do it?"
"What's wrong with that dude?"
"He needs help!"
"Forget Justin! Boycott Chick-fil-A!"
Dangle Baby Out Window
Now if you think I'd be crazy to recommend endangering a child, you'd be right.
Please do not dangle a baby out a window!
The point is, by the time you've completed the previous two tasks, the press will be following you around like you're Bigfoot at the royal wedding.
Use the photo op to cement your place in the top ten celebrity meltdowns.
Act out from a hotel window, so your fans can experience your breakdown first hand.
And now's not the time to hold back. Go all in on your full house of crazy.
Suggestions include spewing dirt on your ex from a megaphone, enjoying a bong hit, or simply standing on the rail dressed up like Wonder Woman.
While you're relaxing at the hotel spa, your fans will be uploading to Facebook. The pictures and videos will go viral quicker than you can say "Gangnam Style."
So there you have it. You're now official experiencing a meltdown.
Shortly, your parents will try to gain control of your estate. And you can begin writing your comeback album.


  1. Hi There, I just spent a little time reading through your
    posts, which I found entirely by mistake whilst researching one of
    my projects. Please continue to write more because it’s unusual that someone has
    something interesting to say about this. Will be waiting for more!

  2. @ Double Edge - thanks for browsing by! Appreciate the feedback! Also appreciate your use of "whilst" - much underrated word ... Cheers!