Preparing Thanksgiving dinner for your family may often be a stressful event. The last thing you need is a turkey controlled by the devil.
Here are the three warning signs:
Check the Underbelly
The first omen can be detected at the grocery freezer department.
We all check for price and weight, but turn the bird over and examine the stomach for any odd markings or cryptograms.
Common satanic verbiage may include “Help Me,” “You’ll Be Sorry,” or “Pork, The Other White Meat.”
Any threats or cries for help may be cause to choose another bird.
Drop in Holy Water
Thawing the frozen turkey may also uncover a portent of deviltry. Use holy water for this process and you may awaken the beast.
Keep your eye out for the following:
- The turkey jumps from the pot
- The beak spins around 180 degrees
- The bird gobbles in tongues
Levitation
Once at the table, levitation is a sure sign Lucifer has taken hold of your turkey.
The bird may rise above the cranberry sauce and float quietly. Or spin wildly as if to shake off unwanted gravy.
Surprised guests may stab at the bird causing havoc and injury.
At this stage there is little to do to prevent the fowl from completely ruining your holiday feast.
Action
Father Paul Morvina, author of “Turkey Diablo,” recommends the following actions if you believe your holiday meal is possessed by the devil.
- Return it to the store.
- Eat it with extreme caution
- Perform an exorcism, being sure to yell “The power of Butterball compels you!
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