With Groundhog Day upon us, one can't help but wonder if Punxsutawney Phil may also decide to hit the juice.
Can you blame him? With the cameras rolling and millions of eyes watching, who wouldn't want to perform at the highest potential?
Unfortunately, PEDs may be bad option. Steroid usage may cause a plethora of side effects. Most of which may lead to an unflattering profile on "TMZ."
Let's review how PED usage could hurt the famous rodent.
Baldness
One of the main side effects of steroids is hair loss. Imagine the terror on a child's face if the groundhog emerged from his burrow looking like a shaved pig.
"Get 'em!" Timmy would say, reaching for a log, "Let's play Whac-A-Mole."
Instead of the groundhog predicting winter duration, he'd have to dodge a hyperactive kid who's had one too many juice boxes.
Obamacare may or may not cover the CAT scan.
Depression
Psychiatric disorders, such as depression, are another possible result of steroid use.
The groundhog could be so despondent he refuses to exit the hole.
"Come out!" his agent may yell into the dirt cavity, "Everyone's waiting!"
"Not until you get me a hairpiece!"
Next thing you know he'll be sporting a bad toupee on the cover of People, right next to Justin Bieber's haircut.
Aggression
The groundhog, by nature, appears to be passive. He waddles out, poses for the camera, and is done for the year.
I'm sure he'd sign a few autographs if he could hold a Sharpie.
That may change if he's juiced up.
Envision a vicious rodent with retracted claws scratching out the eyes of a tourist from Oshkosh, Wisconsin.
The only shadow cast may be by police car headlights.
Sure security could be hired. But do you really want to pay someone to stand around with pepper spray "just in case."
So there you have it.
Several unpleasant consequences the groundhog may encounter if hopped up on steroids.
Happy Groundhog Day!
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