That’s how college graduates feel sitting through their
commencement ceremony.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. If you’re in charge of picking the speaker,
skip the overpaid celebrities and business leaders.
Choose a Looney Tunes character.
Following are the top three that will make graduation
memorable.
Tasmanian Devil
Don’t let the Tasmanian Devil’s LinkedIn profile scare you.
Sure, he’s “A strong, murderous beast with jaws as powerful
as a steel trap,” but he’s also an enthusiastic speaker with quick to-the-point
messaging.
The energetic marsupial will hit the stage like a
mini-tornado, twirling spastically.
Everyone from the oldest grandparent to the fussiest toddler will be
transfixed as members of the dais scramble for safety.
At the podium, the Tasmanian Devil’s speech will be brief,
but emotional.
“Congrats!” “Ambition!” “Persevere!” will be shouted in a
growly staccato.
Before they know it, the grads will be out in the parking
lot throwing their mortarboards like Frisbees.
Note: One drawback might be the backstage rider, as his food
request includes an ample supply of
“tigers, elephants, buffalo, donkeys, giraffes, moose, ducks … and
rabbits.”
Yosemite Sam
“Listen up, you muley-headed mavericks. I’m gonna tell ya how it is!”
So will begin Yosemite Sam’s motivational rant.
The gunslinger will draw his six-shooters and fire a dozen
rounds in the air.
“Rid the world of varmints!
Make somethin’ of yerselves!”
The class will learn much from the self-proclaimed
“roughest, toughest, root’nest, toot’nest commencement speaker west of the
Pecos.”
His booming voice and fiery
rhetoric, however, may come at a price.
Last year, Yosemite accidently shot a tuba player as the
band performed “Pomp and Circumstance.”
Foghorn Leghorn
For over-the-top orations, look no further than Foghorn
Leghorn.
This overbearing rooster will walk on stage with a lighted
stick of dynamite and “KaBoom,” blow the plumage clean off his body.
“Fortunately,” he’ll say nonchalantly, “I keep my feathers
numbered, for, for just such an emergency.”
After grabbing your attention, Leghorn will mosh-pit dive
into the audience, and work the crowd like Don Rickles.
“You look so dumb, boy, I bet you think a Mexican border
pays rent.”
“Look! This kid’s
about as sharp as a pound of wet liver!”
And if the crowd starts to turn, he’ll shrug off his
comments as friendly mirth.
“That’s a joke, ah say, that’s a joke.”
Leghorn will end his speech by paddling Barnyard Dog.
So there you have it.
Three Looney Tunes characters to speak at graduation.
If they’re busy, you might be able to get Marvin the
Martian. Just pray he leaves the
“Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator” at home.
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